It may be a year to the day since the incident happened, but for many, the images will forever be firmly etched in their minds.

It was, a life-altering moment in history. It was the day that prompted US President George Bush to comment that the world is either with him in his fight against terrorism or against him. There has to be no fence-sitters as far as President Bush or the American public was concerned.

For the family and friends of those who died that fateful day, the hardest thing perhaps is to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on. How does one say goodbye to someone taken at the prime of his or her youth. What about a young wife who is expecting to share the joy of their first-born child with her husband?

Many are still working through their grief, some perhaps getting their final closure in accepting the loss of their loved ones as the first anniversary of the attack is commemorated. For some others who are still waiting for confirmation that their loved ones have indeed perished, closure for them may still prove illusive.

How exactly does one get over the grief of losing a loved one under such a traumatic circumstance? How does one say that final goodbye?

Channelnewsasia.com's Hafizah Osman speaks to Associate Professor Leslie Lim of the Institute of Mental Health about dealing with grief.

For many, losing a loved one is not easy. What more losing your loved one in a tragedy the magnitude of the September 11 terrorist attacks?

While death is very much a part of life, getting over a death may take a bit of time for some. Allowing someone the time and space to grieve is just as important as getting the person to get on with their lives.

Associate Professor Leslie Lim

In fact, according to the Chief for the Department of Community Psychiatry of the Institute on Mental Health, Associate Professor Leslie Lim, in order for one to say the final goodbye, one has to go through the process of grieving. It is through this process that the person work through his grief, accept the death and finally get closure. This will help the person to move on and reintegrate with his family and the society.

The initial reaction to a death is usually one of shock, more so for a tragedy such as the terrorist attacks, "Initially it would be shock. You look at the images on television. It is not real. It is like Hollywood. It's all choreographed. But then the truth sinks in when you see the people screaming, running," says Professor Lim.

For the survivors, however, this would very quickly be followed by relief. A sense of relief that they have survived. Yet, the relief may not be long-lived.

According to Professor Lim the relief can very quickly turn to guilt; "People who have survived would feel initially relieved, but they would also feel guilty for having survived when their office colleagues or their loved ones have died. They would feel very sad, that they have lost their colleagues. They would grieve. They would feel guilty for not being able to save that colleague. They would feel anger towards the perpetrators, towards the rescue services for not being able to rescue the victims in time."

Guilt is a common reaction in such a situation. However it becomes a problem when someone is stuck at that stage of the grieving process and hence is unable to move on. Some may feel that he needs to be given the permission to stop grieving and move on. Everyone eventually has to move on, and to do this; the person needs to learn to forgive himself.

"Let me stress that moving on is very, very important. If they're stuck in the process of grieving, for example, at the point of guilt and fixated on that aspect they cannot move on in their lives and are able to form relationships and so on. So, guilt if properly handled and examined to see if its rational or irrational, and I think people have to learn to forgive themselves in the long run. Learn how to forgive themselves and say, I did the very best that I could for that person, for those people and that's all I could have done," says Professor Lim.

While moving on may not be a problem for some, it poses a huge obstacle for others and the risk of being stuck at any one of the phases of grieving increases when one is predisposed to depression.

The process of grieving is important in that it will lead you to the final stages of resolution and acceptance and eventually reintegration into the family and society at large. "They can't move on unless they've gone through the process of grieving. If they haven't grieved or if they suppress the grief for one reason or other, then they may have to re-experience the grieving process. And having done that, then they can move on with their lives and leave the grieving behind," says Professor Lim.

"We must not encourage them to keep on grieving and grieving. There are some cultures that believe or some people who believe that it is wrong for them to stop thinking of their loved ones. It's sinful to enjoy themselves when their loved one is dead. They cannot form new relationships because that would be a dishonour to the dead person. That stops the person from moving on and contributing to their homes and families and to society," he added.

While there is no fixed timeframe for one to get through the grieving process, Professor Lim suggests that a period between six months to a year would be acceptable. "If a person is grieving for years and years, then that's abnormal."

The best way for someone to help a person who's grieving, is to be sensitive to the person's needs, "What sort of help do they need, physical help, emotional help, psychological help, social, financial? What is it that they need?" One must also be careful not to be too smothering and to remember to give the person his space.

A case in point is one Helen (she withheld her full name to protect her privacy) who lost her husband in the World Trade Centre that day. According to an AFP report, she has had to politely tell friends and neighbours to stop "helping" her. In fact she had stuck a note at the gate of her suburban home which read, "Dear friends, thank you so much for your care and support, but the best thing you can do for me now is leave me alone."

Perhaps Helen needs to reclaim her privacy so that she can seek closure for herself. The attention from friends and neighbours made her grieving process an extended one.

Closure for some may simply be just deciding that you have grieved enough and that you have to move on. For others it may take on a physical act, such as writing a letter to that loved who has died and burning it. Or just the simple act of verbalizing your goodbye. Whatever the form it comes in, closure is indeed an important aspect of the grieving process.

Professor Lim also suggests that religion plays a very important part in the process of dealing with grief. Most religions, he says, believe in the afterlife. This allows people to believe that death is not just the end life, as we know it, but the beginning of the next one. This gives them hope that one day, they will be reunited with their loved one.

Hope after all is the most important factor according to Professor Lim. This sense of hope is what will help one deal with the despair and the grief and move on.

While goodbyes are never easy, all of us will someday have to say goodbye to someone we love so much that we cannot imagine our lives without them. This little poem says it succinctly;