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SINGAPORE: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but we're all going to die.
Yup - you, me, your friends and family, that creepy neighbour with the glass eye, and the lady who sits next to you in the MRT every morning reading her romance novels on your way to work.
According to the experts in Hollywood, we are all doomed to die from a never-ending line of fatal pandemics caused by very real issues like climate change, natural disasters, giant asteroids, angry aliens and prophetic ancient civilisations. And Hollywood is never wrong. Except when it comes to unimportant things like, you know, history and factual things.
Don't believe the destruction of our entire planet is impending? Just ask director Roland Emmerich. The man blew up the White House, burned the Eiffel Tower and flooded all of New York in his disaster flicks Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow.
Sure, he's doing it again with his latest big-budget kill-'em-all 2012, but this time he's got indisputable proof: The Mayans believed that cataclysmic events will occur on Dec 21, 2012, based on the end-date of their long count calendar. Doom!
Of course, Nasa says the Mayan calendar does not in fact end in 2012 because another period begins immediately afterward, and Mayan experts in Guatemala insist there is no concept of apocalypse in their culture, but what do those party-poopers know?
So here we are to save the day! We here at TODAY have watched enough disaster films to amass a decent list of tips on how to survive these inevitable global calamities.
Remember, just because it's the end of the world, doesn't mean that everyone has to die. Someone's got to live to make that big speech at the end of the movie.
HOW TO SURVIVE A DISASTER FLICK
1. Be the loopy but brilliant scientist who saw it coming a long, long time ago - every government needs the know-it-all professional. If you suck at science, go marry one now. They usually look, talk and act like Jeff Goldblum.
2. Steer clear of all national monuments, major global landmarks and Wonders Of The World. Sightseeing when the end is nigh is not the wisest move - even if the travel packages are cheap. Usually the first to be destroyed in some show-stopping manner, favourites include the White House, the Sistine Chapel, the Effiel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and that really big Jesus in Rio De Janerio.
3. Don't be a meanie. Things always fall on rude people.
4. Don't need to be a hero. Sacrificing yourself in a disaster film is noble, scene-stealing and heart-warming. Until you die. So let someone else save the world instead. That's what older people (Randy Quaid in Independence Day, that poor Grandma in Dante's Peak) and Bruce Willis (Armageddon) are for.
5. Be a single parent with an impossibly cute and precocious kid. Single moms are in. Orphans are out.
6. Own a dog. Better yet, BE a dog - they usually live through disaster flicks even when their owners don't (Daylight).
7. Don't get along with your spouse/dad/man in your life - until just before the last reel. Happy families have at least one parent or family member killed off for dramatic effect. Dysfunctional families, however, have a reconciliation to live for. That is unless you're Tea Leoni and Robert Duvall in Deep Impact.
8. Don't hold a party to welcome visiting aliens. They're not very social.
2012 opens in cinemas on Thursday.
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