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SINGAPORE - The body before me was grotesque. It was bloated and swollen, as if his gassy insides were straining against his leathery skin. Smoke swirled ominously around the man, circling his head like a cruelly ironic halo. The lines around his neck were exaggerated where it was twisted, his head turned almost completely backward, pointing the wrong way - at me.
“Oh, god,” I thought to myself as a felt a bolt of terror shoot through my being, “How do you say, ‘Dude! The road’s that way! Aiiiyeeee!!!’ in Italian?
My taxi driver, having picked me up from the Roma Termini train station just minutes before, was quite aware that I was not a Roman local (my Chinese face and many bags were the first of several hints) and could not speak the language (I inexplicably thanked him with a toothy “muchos gracias” instead of “grazie” - I must have been thinking of tacos).
That didn’t stop the jolly fellow from turning round to casually chat with me in Italian while zipping through the streets of Rome, lit cigarette hanging from his mouth - ostensibly guided by some form of mystic GPS system that requires very little actual looking at the road while one’s foot is on the accelerator.
I contemplated my fate, as the smoke enveloped my earthly body, certain that the end would come in the form of one of the many enthusiastic Vespas hurtling towards me.
This is it, I thought. And I didn’t even get to see the Colosseum.
I Saw The Signs
Later - after celebrating my still existent pulse and intact limbs with a bottle of prosecco at the hotel bar - I had an epiphany.
I had just watched a screening of "Angels & Demons" Ron Howard’s highly-anticipated follow-up to 2006’s "The Da Vinci Code", and I now understood what the terrifying episode with the cab driver was: A sign.
Based on Dan Brown’s novel of the same name, "Angels & Demons" sees Tom Hanks returning as symbologist Robert Langdon, this time in a race around Rome, unearthing an ancient trail, deciphering ancient codes and symbols, to stop a secret society from destroying the Catholic Church.
Also starring Ewan McGregor, Stellan Skarsgard and Israeli actress Ayelet Zurer, the film opened my eyes to how not all is as it seems. Suddenly everything around me took on new meaning.
There were signs all around the St Regis hotel in Rome, the venue of the press event for "Angels & Demons". For example, I was on my second cup of watered-down American coffee. Lousy coffee in Italy? Impossible. It was a sign.
Earlier that morning, I had caught the news on CNN that the H1N1 virus had just hit Italy, coinciding with my arrival. Another sign.
“Hi, everyone!” chirped a dark-haired lass as she sat next to me to wait for the cast to arrive. “I’m from Mexico - but you don’t have to run away!” she said, laughing.
It was a sign from God. He did not approve of my involvement in a Dan Brown project and was punishing me with bad coffee and a mutant flu.
Guess he really didn’t like the first film.
Conspiracy, Schmonspiracy
For a film rife with conspiracy theories, the cast and director were surprisingly sunshiney and conspiracy-free. When asked whether directing both "The Da Vinci Code" and "Angels & Demons" had fuelled his paranoia, Howard said: “Absolutely, no. It doesn’t fuel my paranoia.”
Added the 55-year-old Oscar-winner for "A Beautiful Mind": “Of course institutions collude and individuals conspire and things happen that we don’t know about ... So I’m always intrigued, fascinated, but gratefully not obsessed by those kinds of conspiracies.”
Hanks was a tad more direct. “I love to break down every conspiracy theory that comes my way. It usually starts with this question: ‘How stupid are you that you gotta believe this sort of thing?’,” said the 52-year-old, laughing. “I love nice empirical evidence. I like historical fact. Otherwise, everything is a conspiracy theory. I go out of my way to find out why they are not accurate.”
In fact, the filming process was so lacking in conspiracy, the biggest challenge for the actors wasn’t theological - it was tourism.
“Oh my god, the traffic ... It was so hectic,” said the gorgeous Zurer - a dead-ringer for Nigella Lawson on a carb-free diet. “They blocked a little street by the Pantheon, and people were accumulating as the scene went by! And sometimes they had to open it to let people go and, literally, hundreds of people went by.”
The most difficult part of the shoot for the 39-year-old actress? “You mean besides running around Rome in heels?” she quipped.
It's All In Your Head
Any last vestige of suspicion that the film might be an insidious exposé of the Vatican and its sordid secrets disguised as harmless fiction was eradicated by a chat with Dr Elizabeth Lev, an art historian who works extensively in the hallowed Vatican library and archives, who also acted as a consultant for the film.
When asked if the archives are anything like how it is portrayed in the book and film - all high-tech and fancy - Dr Lev laughed heartily. “They don’t have the kind of money where they put in this ‘beep-beep-whir-whir’ (technology). I have to sign up and take turns at the microfilm!” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “And there are only like ... four! Everyone tries to get there early!”
So security isn’t as incredibly modern and technologically impressive as we see in the film? Another laugh. “When they first called me and said, ‘So, what’s the Vatican switchboard like? Are there, like, a million monitors?’ And I’m, like, ‘It’s a nun with a monitor.’”
Perhaps I was wrong after all. There was no sign from the heavens. My cab driver was simply psychotic. The coffee was just bad. The arrival of H1N1 in Italy was not punishment for cinematic crimes. It was all in my head.
“Tom,” I said, raising my hand to speak to the owner of two Best Actor Oscars after he had politely answered the 800th question from the Scandinavian press about Stellan Skarsgard, “My mom said to say hello. How have you managed to maintain such a wide fan base over almost 30 years in the business?”
“Hey! I was wondering (about your mom)! At least I’m still on her Christmas card list!” he replied, laughing. “I try not to piss off your mom or the Scandinavians.”
Mother. That was it. She’s what all the signs were pointing toward. The puzzle magically fell into place. She hates the traffic in Rome. She abhors bad coffee. She was paranoid about me catching the H1N1 virus. She’s even used recipes from Nigella Lawson’s cookbook as bait to lure me home more often. And now Tom Hanks owes his fortune and entire career to her.
My mother the cloaked mastermind. Figures - it’s always the one you least suspect. I think I’ll go home for dinner tonight.
Angels & Demons showing in cinemas now.- TODAY/ar
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