Commentary: What do back-to-work mums really need? It’s not flexible work

SINGAPORE: A stay-at-home mother, a work-from-home mother, and now a full-time working mother. In just five years, I’ve been through these three phases of motherhood.

In stark contrast, the term “working father” does not count as a recognised demographic because society does not expect children to have impact on male careers. But more on this later.

Today (Mar 8) is International Women’s Day (IWD). The theme for this year’s IWD is #InspireInclusion. Creating an inclusive world involves recognising and accommodating the specific challenges that mothers often face - be it at home or in the workplace.

“HAVING IT ALL” IS A FANTASY

Like many developed societies, Singapore’s total fertility rate has been declining for decades, despite policy after policy to encourage citizens to have more children. It fell below 1 for the first time in 2023, to 0.97.

What are some possible reasons why women aren’t having children? The usual suspects are the cost and stress of having children, as multiple surveys have shown.

The most challenging aspect of motherhood for me, however, is finding and maintaining a balance.

From staying home to care for young children, to starting an online business from home and then re-entering the corporate world, I have searched endlessly for the elusive “work-life balance”.

At each season of motherhood, I have looked up to other successful women, in awe of them having it all. I’ve learnt that “having it all” is just a fantasy because nobody can excel at all aspects of life at the same time.

I’ve learnt that life happens in seasons. Some seasons required me to focus on the survival of my young offspring. Other seasons allowed me to follow my calling to build a passion-backed business. And in this season of my life, I’ve shifted my focus towards career development and my family’s financial stability.

CHANGES IN PRIORITIES OF NEW MOTHERS

According to Michelle Hon, founder of MomBoss Academy, which helps mothers start and grow their businesses from home, many women experience separation anxiety when they are about to return to work after maternity leave.

“They may have had every intention to return to work before their babies arrive, but after becoming a mum, their priorities would change,” she told me.

That is when many women express interest in starting their own businesses because they want to be able to earn an income and have the flexibility to care for their children.

After having children, I was out of the corporate workforce for four years and seven months - just a few months shy of the dreaded five-year resume gap, which would have rendered my skills obsolete in the eyes of many employers.

Did I feel daunted by my lack of corporate experience? Not exactly. I knew that if I was capable of keeping multiple young children with severe allergies alive, I would be ready to handle the stress that any board meeting could throw at me.

If I was able to find empathy and summon patience amidst the most deranged of toddler meltdowns, I would also be able to manage the wildest of client discussions with maturity. This mama’s been through worse battles at home.

SUPPORT FOR WORKING MOTHERS

What I found the hardest in going back to the corporate world was the ability to let go of control on the home front.

In the first few weeks of work, I would obsessively monitor the CCTV at home to check if my children had returned safely from school and whether they’d had their meals. It was a struggle to stay focused during meetings while my mind was worrying about my children’s welfare.

The mental and physical exhaustion were tough in the initial weeks while I adjusted to new routines. But the toughest challenge was having to go to work even when the kids were sick. I would kiss them goodbye while they cried at the door, then walk away and sob in the lift or the car, racked with guilt.

According to official statistics, more women have joined the labour force over the past decade, but the numbers still lag behind men - as of June 2023, the overall female labour force participation rate was 62.6 per cent, compared with 74.9 per cent for men. Taking care of one’s family was a top reason for being outside the labour force.

Government-paid paternity leave was recently doubled from two weeks to four weeks on a voluntary basis. This is a progressive leap for parenting in Singapore.

In Budget 2024, Finance Minister and Deputy Prime Minister Lawrence Wong announced another slew of family-friendly measures, including additional preschool subsidies and assistance for young couples with urgent housing needs.

But remember when I pointed out that “working fathers” is not a common label? We cannot expect both males and females to contribute economically if childcare responsibilities continue to fall squarely on the shoulders of mothers.

Because what stops a new mother from returning to work is not her lack of ability to juggle both childcare and work. What makes a woman give up her career is the absence of reliable support to care for her children while she is away at work.

There has been a lot of push for flexible working arrangements as the solution to encourage mothers to join the workforce. However, until there is a significant mindset shift that childcare responsibilities should be shouldered fairly by both parents, the default parent will always get the short end of the stick.

Since the implementation of work-from-home arrangements, non-default parents have found that they can get a workout or sleep in instead of commuting to work.

However, default parents or primary caregivers still find themselves waking up early to prepare breakfast for school-going children and squeeze in a few loads of laundry before work meetings start.

So how should fathers be convinced to take on a bigger share of childcare and domestic workload? It all starts from telling them (and everyone who works with them) that they too are equally important in the birth of a new life.

GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

A common question I get now is “So which is better, taking care of the kids or working?”

When I gave up my career to care for my children, I longed for the freedom, confidence and recognition that a paying job could give.

Now that I’m spending most of my time building a career, I pine for their snuggles and the opportunity to be there for their tears.

These longings don’t mean that I am ungrateful. These feelings are acknowledgement that life happens in seasons.

Every season requires sacrifice in some ways and brings fulfilment in others. We can reminisce past seasons and look forward to new ones. When the new seasons arrive, we will adapt and live them out accordingly.  

Yong Qiao Qing is a mother-of-two and founder of Little Warriors, an online business that specialises in clothes for children with sensitive skin, and a full-time marketing manager in the food and beverage industry.