Holiday from hell? A survival guide for navigating family friction while travelling

What was supposed to be an enjoyable first trip to Japan last December turned into a headache for user-experience designer J Lim, after the 23-year-old had to manage the behaviour of one of his relatives.  

The family group of five was given a table near a restaurant’s bustling kitchen, much to his aunt’s disapproval. She gestured and then relayed her request in English to a service staff member to be moved to a quiet area.

“When the server didn’t understand, my aunt got angry and asked how he couldn’t understand,” Mr Lim told CNA TODAY. He did not want to be fully named to avoid upsetting the relative.

Mr Lim stepped in to resolve the dispute, whipping out his trusty translator application on his mobile device to express their request in Japanese text.

After settling into their new seats, he calmly explained to his aunt how her “entitled” behaviour was wrong, only to be chastised in return.

“She told me, ‘Speak until they understand you. That is the way of life.’ Then she stopped talking to me for the rest of the day. I was at a loss for words.”

Anyone who has dealt with difficult family behaviour on holiday will relate to Mr Lim's frustration and I was reminded of my own experiences with angry family members souring holiday memories. 

As the planner for family trips, I tend to be on the receiving end when differences arise on how to spend our time or where to go.

For instance, while I prefer bouncing across a city to see the sights and hitting 20,000 steps every day to get my money’s worth, my older relatives' idea of an enjoyable day is hanging out in a touristy shopping area. 

This has led to my grandiose itineraries being shot down as relatives griped about the effort and cost of visiting countless tourist spots.

These disagreements have caused tension and unhappiness. For instance, I have greatly regretted missing the chance to explore various cities as much as I wanted to during our visits.

Clashing with loved ones can grind one’s gears and ruin the magical experience of discovering a new country with them.

As my family and I mark our calendars for another holiday this year, I want to be equipped with helpful tips to ensure a positively memorable vacation.

"CONSTANT TOGETHERNESS" EXPOSES ANNOYING HABITS

One key question I was keen to find out the answer to: Why does conflict happen while we are on overseas trips even when I get along well with my family in everyday situations?

Counsellor Anne Ueberbach pointed to the very different nature of being on holiday compared with day-to-day life back home.

The assistant director at The Counselling Place, which provides coaching and counselling services, said: “Holiday conflicts tend to be more emotionally charged due to the additional stress of travelling, demands of the travel itinerary, lack of personal space and ongoing family dynamics.

“The constant togetherness also increases the amount of critical comments, the witnessing of annoying habits and the need to juggle everyone’s needs, making conflicts more likely to happen.”

Tensions that have been bubbling away between family members before the trip may also come to the surface. 

These issues can be exacerbated by a lack of personal space. Sharing a hotel room with relatives and interacting with them for days at a time exposes their habits such as snoring, nagging or constant phone use.

This can prevent family members who may be used to a level of privacy from sufficiently "recharging their social battery", thus increasing sensitivity and stress levels.

Family members may also have different ideals of what a “perfect” family trip looks like. It can be difficult to satisfy everyone in the family, since preferences over activities may vary, especially between generations. 

Ms Shyeu Chan, associate director of Dynasty Travel’s travel experience designers team, said that juggling competing wish-lists can be tough.

“Even if you spend time planning and researching, the trip could feel far from perfect and create unnecessary conflict among family members who may feel that the person planning the itinerary didn't take into account other family members' opinions and needs,” she added.

PAY ATTENTION TO MEALTIMES, BLAME A TRAVEL AGENT 

Ms Javiny Lim, co-founder and managing director of bespoke travel agency Wondergolander, said that it can be challenging to cater to a family group spread across generations, but it is worth trying to include at least “one or two” preferences of each member.

She also advised paying extra attention to arranging mealtimes, which despite Mr Lim's restaurant experience in Japan, are often opportune moments for families to grow closer.

“Because Singaporeans are such foodies, meals can be excellent bonding activities and we want to ensure that communal dining is relaxed and smooth. We often pay greater attention to where they dine and the ease of doing so from a logistical point of view,” Ms Lim said.

Hands-on experiences are usually well-received and encourage bonding, she observed.

Also, let relatives choose whether to take part in activities, instead of insisting that everything should be done as a family unit.

Family groups might also consider tours planned by travel agencies to take some of the stress out of the planning process. 

Group tour packages tend to be cheaper than self-planned itineraries, since flight tickets are booked by the travel agency six to 12 months before the actual trip. Tour groups also split fixed costs such as land transport and tour guides across a larger number of travellers.

However, the disadvantages are that the travel dates and itinerary are fixed. Families will also be travelling with others who have signed up for the tour, though this can be a blessing in disguise. 

Group tours that are thematic gather like-minded travellers together and provide a sense of community in a new environment, Ms Chan from Dynasty Travel said.

"And if anyone is unhappy with (the itinerary) or something goes wrong, we can resolve the issue with our on-ground team and you can put the blame on us, which will prevent further conflict escalation among family members," she added.

Another option is bespoke trips, which are customised based on the travellers’ preferences. Professional travel planners draw on their own knowledge of the area to plan an itinerary.

“A holiday expert and neutral party can alter the family dynamics and may be particularly useful during decision making,” Ms Lim from Wondergolander said.

Her agency and Dynasty Travel have both seen an increase in planned bespoke holidays after the COVID-19 pandemic, motivated by families’ preference for privacy and concerns about hygiene.

Tailor-made itineraries can cost more than group tours due to a smaller economy of scale, since costs such as hiring a private vehicle and a tour guide are split among a smaller number of travellers.

Ms Lim said that costs for a European destination – excluding flights, meals, personal expenses and surcharges – start from S$750 for each person a night.

Budget-conscious travellers may think twice about trips planned by a travel agency.

“Customers reasoned that they can save money if they plan the trip themselves," Ms Chan said.

"But planners have knowledge of various destinations and can plan an itinerary quickly based on a customer’s requests, while travellers spend more time planning and researching since they’re unfamiliar with that country,” she added.

Travel agencies also have access to exclusive perks and preferential rates, giving more value for money spent, both travel experts said.

Whether you do it yourself or hand the reins over to a third party, gearing up for a family trip does not only mean packing your suitcase, but also mentally preparing yourself.

Ms Jeannette Qhek, psychotherapist, counsellor and founder of wellness space Chill By Nette, suggested that family group travellers shift from focusing on having a “perfect” trip to embracing “small, meaningful moments of joy or togetherness”.

Select a mantra to ground yourself or take along a journal to jot down your emotions.

Ms Qhek also agreed that setting boundaries with family members before the trip can ensure everyone has the same expectations.

Practise empathy, flexibility and assertive communication, Ms Ueberbach advised.

By putting yourself in your relative’s shoes, you can better understand the rationale behind their emotions and behaviour, and even their positive intentions.

“It helps to practise active listening to understand others’ perspectives and feelings. Practising patience and tolerance can also help you recognise that everyone has different needs,” Ms Ueberbach said.

“Remember, no matter how hard you try, you cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can control how you let it affect you.”

TOLERATE FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE?

When emotions are running high, take a step back, Ms Ueberbach said. Observe how the situation is affecting you before planning your next action.

Slowing down during a conflict can mean taking deep breaths and counting to 10, or doing mindfulness activities such as focusing on what you can see, feel or hear.

Ms Qhek also emphasised the need to pause and check on your emotions.

When emotions are on the cusp of boiling over, how do you draw the line between expressing unhappiness and tolerating the situation for the sake of peace?

Check on your boundaries, Ms Qhek suggested. “Ask yourself, ‘Am I tolerating this because it feels right for the moment or because I’m avoiding confrontation?’

“Not every frustration needs to be addressed immediately. Consider whether sharing your feelings will add clarity or escalate tension. If you choose to express them, you may use ‘I’ statements to share your feelings without blame.”

If you are caught in between family members in conflict, it can feel tempting to step in to resolve the argument quickly for the sake of everybody else.

Avoid getting involved in the crossfire, Ms Ueberbach advised. Instead, stay neutral and encourage both sides to talk it out directly.

“If you do need to get involved, paraphrase what each party needs and encourage them to come to a happy compromise or solution," Ms Ueberbach said.

"Remember, this isn’t your battle to fight, so seek support from other family members to help you. Engage in stress-releasing activities and self-care during this time,”

If your previous family trip was truly the last straw, carefully communicate your wishes to skip the next one, Ms Qhek proposed.

However, before solidifying the decision to pass on your next family trip, Ms Qhek also recommended self-reflection to understand whether this stemmed from an act of self-care or avoidance.

Should you proceed with your decision, convey it to your family honestly and without blame, once again using “I” statements to discuss your perspective.

Offer alternatives such as a different destination better suited to everyone’s needs, or shortening the holiday, or carving out one-on-one time for a more tailored and less distressing time.

As I look ahead to my next family holiday, I'm all-too-conscious that trouble can lurk at every turn.

Armed with a timely reminder to take deep breaths when my blood pressure shoots up, and to try to think of how others may be feeling, I’m confident I can navigate whatever comes my way in my next trip.

After all, disagreements are no excuse to miss the forest for the trees as I explore the exciting experiences the world has to offer with my family.