Skip to main content
Advertisement

Ground Up

How some from broken homes overcome the ‘divorce penalty’ in their lives, though effects still linger

When parents split, does it necessarily penalise their children later in life? Children of divorced parents reflect on how coming from a broken home shaped their romantic relationships, finances and resilience into adulthood.

How some from broken homes overcome the ‘divorce penalty’ in their lives, though effects still linger

A photo of two-year-old Celeste Toh and her late mother. Her parents divorced when she was in primary school. (Photo: CNA/Nuria Ling)

New: You can now listen to articles.

This audio is generated by an AI tool.

Ignatius (not his real name) is 47 this year, yet he can still recall the “noise” of his childhood: Arguments, physical fights and accusations that flew between his parents since he was five years old. 

After 15 years of what he called “torture”, his parents finalised their divorce, though it did not mean that Ignatius' troubles were over.

“I didn’t have emotional security at home, which led to finding my own way in relationships without having any reference points," Ignatius, now an educator, said. "I was just a lost soul wandering on a journey to adulthood.”

After all, the wounds of a couple's divorce on their children are not easily healed even as the child becomes an adult. 

Eventually, though, some of them find a way to overcome and break the cycles of conflict, leaning on their parents' divorce as a reference point to figure out how to find more meaningful relationships in their own lives and become more self-aware in early adulthood.

Sharing their experiences with CNA TODAY, eight children of divorced parents who are now grown-ups look back at how they learnt not to let their parents' marital failures constrict their own lives.

In Ignatius' case, he is now happily married with three children between the ages of 17 to 20. Bonding with his own children has helped him define what a family should be.

He spoke on condition of anonymity to safeguard his children's identities, given that stigma surrounding divorce still exists today. 

Past efforts to study the intergenerational impact of divorce on children have found that children of divorce may suffer long-term disadvantages, or what has been called a "divorce penalty".

A 2020 report by the Ministry of Social and Family Development found that children of divorce fared worse than their peers whose parents remained married. 

In sum, they were less likely to obtain a university degree, earned less, had lower balances in their savings account with the national Central Provident Fund, were slightly less likely to marry and if married, were themselves likelier to divorce.

In response to queries from CNA TODAY, the ministry said that it has no plans to conduct follow-up studies, but continuously consults with various stakeholders and reviews the impact, efficiency and value of its programmes to strengthen marriages and enhance support for children for divorcing and divorced families. 

Giving a glimpse of what they go through, children of divorced parents and the lawyers, counsellors and social service agencies who work with them told CNA TODAY of a more complex story of trauma and resilience, and how the ripple effects of a marital breakdown live on in the affected children's own approach to romantic relationships and the familial responsibilities these children inherit.

LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN: MSF STUDY

The results of the first-of-its-kind study by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), released in 2020, revealed the long-term outcomes of Singaporean children from divorced families. The study aimed to help shape interventions for children when couples file for divorce.

Of the sample comprising 101,180 Singaporean children born between 1979 and 1981, around 8.8 per cent had experienced parental divorce before they were 21 years old.

The study examined the economic and marriage outcomes of children whose parents divorced when they turned 35 years old, so as to find out if children were penalised by their parents’ divorce in their adolescence. 

When these outcomes were then compared with their peers whose parents remained married, the ministry found that on average, children from divorced families faced a long-term “divorce penalty” in adulthood in various aspects. 

Children whose parents divorced: 

  • Were less likely to obtain a university degree: The study found that 37 per cent of children from intact families obtained a degree, while 27.8 per cent of children from divorced families did 
  • Earned less: The income rank, or the relative position of an individual's income compared to others from the same birth cohort and gender, was on average 4.9 percentiles lower for children from divorced families than for their peers whose parents remained married
  • Had lower balances in Central Provident Fund (CPF) account: The CPF rank of children of divorced parents was 6.8 percentiles lower on average. The rank refers to the relative standing of an individual’s CPF balance compared to others from the same birth cohort and gender. CPF is a mandatory national savings account to support the account-holder's retirement expenses.
  • Were less likely to get married: 75.9 per cent of children from intact families were married by 35 years old, as compared to 73.6 per cent of their peers from divorced families
  • Were more likely to undergo divorce themselves: For children whose parents remained married, 13.8 per cent of them were divorced by the time they were 35, while 21.7 per cent of children from divorced families did so by the same age 

Though the findings showed that children from divorced families fared poorer on average, MSF said that many children from divorced families still achieve higher educational qualifications and have stable marriages.

The ministry also said that the study may not “strictly inform” on the causal impact of divorce, but provides an “indicative sense” of children’s long-term outcomes associated with parental divorce. 

In response to CNA TODAY’s queries, the ministry said that it has stepped up efforts to address the negative impacts of divorce on children.

Since July 2024, all divorcing couples with minor children, including those on the simplified track, have to attend the Mandatory Co-Parenting Programme. Minor children refers to unmarried children under the age of 21. A couple may file for divorce under a simplified track if they are able to reach an agreement on the reasons for divorce before filing the originating application for divorce. 

MSF has established programmes to mitigate the impact of divorce such as the Children of Divorce Intervention Programme to reduce the stress of parental divorce for children and teach children skills to cope with the challenges. 

Another programme called Children-in-Between targets children whose parents face conflict in co-parenting, by teaching them skills to cope with their parents’ divorce and express their feelings. 
 
These support programmes are part of the ministry’s Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centres. There are now 10 centres in operation and an 11th centre will be operational in April 2025. 

In 2023, 6,000 divorcing or divorced persons received support from these centres.
 
The ministry has also expanded “upstream programmes” to prepare couples for and during marriage, with programmes in marriage enrichment, parenting, marriage support and family counselling. 

Collapse

"SHOULDN'T YOU BE OVER IT BY NOW?"

Years after their parents' divorce proceedings were resolved, several interviewees said there was a false assumption that children of divorce would simply “get over” their parents’ marital failure over time.

Some said that they have heard outsiders and even their own parents questioning why they have not “moved on”.

The reality is that growing up does not naturally resolve childhood wounds, with some children of divorced parents saying that the effects of their parents' marital breakdown on them might be permanent.

Mr Adriel Yong, 26, who works in the technology industry, did not think too deeply about his parent’s divorce in the immediate few years after it occurred when he was 13 years old. 

In the absence of family interactions after their divorce, Mr Yong said that he lived a “very independent” life and had the autonomy to make important decisions such as his choice of schools.

That did not mean, though, that all decisions were easy to make. For instance, arrangements for gatherings on occasions when families are expected to get together, such as one’s graduation, can still be difficult for him. 

“It’s always very poignant when there are family-related occasions, like when there's a family day, which will dredge up all sorts of awkward situations,” Mr Yong added. "Which parent do I invite, how do I make sure they coexist in the same space?”

Such recurring sticky situations are par for the course for Mr Yong and they still occur today.

Ms Tan, a 25-year-old arts practitioner who wanted to be known only by her surname, said that her parents divorced when she was 10. She requested not to be fully identified out of concern that speaking publicly about her parent’s divorce may strain relationships with family members.

The matter of where she would go during Chinese New Year festivities was a contentious point brought up by her warring parents during court proceedings, until the judge intervened. 

As someone who is in the performing arts, she spoke of the mental gymnastics of needing to invite each parent to different art events separately to avoid uncomfortable interactions. 

“During these situations, you’re having to think about emotionally mediating these two grown adults, when you’re really thinking, ‘Can you just sit next to each other?’ 

"I don't think I've really expected (the situation) to heal or change. All these issues I was experiencing after my parents' divorce have just gone on through my life, like being the messenger between my parents is not something I ever stopped being," Ms Tan added.

"The frequency of it has diminished and now I have some capacity to remove myself from the situation as an adult, but it's still really awkward when you try to repair wounds."

Even though the unpleasantness might still affect adult life down the road, several people who had witnessed their parents' divorces rejected the idea that parents should stay together for their children despite their own unhappiness.

Most said that they felt relieved when their parent’s marriage ended, marking the end of being in an unhappy household. Even then, much depends on the nature of the divorce proceedings.

Family lawyers said that divorce proceedings invariably affect children, but the family justice system has safeguards in place to minimise the immediate emotional toll. 

That being said, the degree to which children are affected by their parents' divorce is significantly influenced by how parents conduct themselves during divorce proceedings and how they choose to involve their children.

Ms Gloria James, head lawyer at law firm Gloria James Civetta and Co, said that some children may want to see their family remaining intact at the point of divorce, whereas others are fully aware of the family situation and seek peace at home rather than witness ongoing parental conflict. 

Not that these cases can be settled as quickly as the family would like.

Mr Clement Yap, partner at law firm Harry Elias Partnership, said that in contested divorce proceedings, where some or all issues require court oversight, proceedings could take anywhere from nine months to two years.

Then, there is the rise in “grey divorces", where parents separate past the age of 55, leaving their adult children to navigate the fallout.

“We also notice clients enquiring to enter into a separation agreement and waiting out to file the divorce when the children reach adulthood,” Ms James said.

This inevitably has an impact on children as well, because late-stage divorce often heavily involves adult children in the proceedings. 

For adult children, this involvement can range from assisting parents with court documents to accompanying them to lawyers' meetings. 

“In these cases, adult children often develop a negative perception of one parent, taking sides and supporting one to the exclusion of the other,” Mr Yap observed. 

After their parents divorce, children may have to support their single parent and siblings and they also have to deal with divorce-related disruptions while still coping in school. (Illustration: CNA/Nurjannah Suhaimi)

BECOMING A "PARENT PROXY"

Some children of divorce said that their parents’ split turned their own lives upside down and not just emotionally.

Mr Tharmaraj Ramesh was just a month shy of the legal age of adulthood when his parents decided to end their 22-year-long marriage in a six-month-long divorce proceeding and that came as a shock.  

“There was not a lot of time to process,” Mr Tharmaraj, now 24 and working in the financial sector, said.

He was caught in a custody battle where neither parent was keen to assume responsibility, because neither of them wanted to pay for his university studies. 

He had to clear out his own savings to help his father pay for debt related to his parents' matrimonial home and he dropped out of university twice because his family could no longer afford the payments. 

“When I was younger, I was like any other boy, I wanted to get married, have kids. But since the divorce, my dad has had a huge debt. I’m starting out from zero, I’m restarting my whole financial background,” Mr Tharmaraj added.

Mr Tharmaraj Ramesh (pictured) recalled that his parents who were divorcing did not want to pay for his university studies. (Photo: CNA/Nuria Ling)

Mr Muhamad Faiz Zulkiffley, a social worker at PPIS As-Salaam Family Support Centre, encounters children of divorce who face financial difficulties after the dissolution of a family’s financial structure. 

This results in children taking on significant responsibilities at a young age. These include supporting their single parent and siblings and having to deal with divorce-related disruptions while still coping in school. 

PPIS As-Salaam Family Support Centre offers counselling, programmes and workshops catered to parents and children of divorce. 

Children also assume interpersonal responsibilities, Mr Faiz said, since some of them become their parents’ “emotional confidante”.

For a 25-year-old media professional who wished to be identified only by her first name Ashley, her parents’ divorce when she was 10 years old does not constitute her “core identity”, but has increased her obligations as a daughter. 

“As the only child of divorcees, you basically become a parent proxy. I remember feeling very worried about money as a child,” she added. She did not give her full name because she did not seek her employer’s permission to speak to the media as company policy.

As her mother’s listening ear, she became hyper-sensitive to her mother’s moods, to the point of building her entire schedule around her mother’s preferences, even into her adulthood. 

“Even though I’m grateful that they divorced, I am not glad that I had to become my mother’s support system, because I don’t think any child should bear that responsibility.”

In the cases she has seen as part of her counselling work at The Relationship Room, founder and counselling director Theresa Pong said that children of divorce often struggle with emotional regulation, which has an impact on their ability to form healthy relationships. 

However, these adverse experiences also allow them to develop empathy and problem-solving skills that they bring into adulthood.

“They have this high awareness of what’s happening in their parents' lives and they don’t want to repeat that. So they spend time and effort to learn how to navigate difficult conversations,” Ms Pong added.

BEING MORE THOUGHTFUL IN RELATIONSHIPS

One oft-cited impact of divorce is that it causes children of divorce to lose marital confidence when they grow up.

The common thinking is that these children lose faith in the institution of marriage because they have seen their parents' marital bonds erode over time.

This lower inclination towards marriage and higher likelihood of divorce, as put forth in the MSF study, seem to imply that these children may be penalised in their own relationships when they become adults.

Even though parental divorce can lead to unresolved psychological baggage in children, some of the interviewees told CNA TODAY that this is not the full story, because their past experiences make them prioritise healthier relationships and have taught them what to avoid when it comes to marriages of their own.

Rather than becoming “anti-marriage”, some children of divorce said that they are more intentional about relationship planning, by reflecting on why their parents' marriage ended.

Ms Celeste Toh, a 27-year-old analyst in the financial sector, came to this realisation during therapy after sensing that “something was wrong” with her relationships. 

“I used to constantly seek male attention, which was generally coming from a place of having no father in my life. At the start of my relationships, I always felt insecure, I would also always imagine (my partner) is cheating on me anytime we’re not together.” 

After realising how these issues stemmed from witnessing her parents' relationship troubles, she ensures that there is open communication with her husband whenever they encounter problems.

Likewise, Ashley the media professional said she realised that her parents were incompatible in terms of interests and values from the beginning, which has made her more cautious in her approach to her own relationships and any future children she may have.

"I don't want to put a child through a traumatic environment. I feel that any parent doesn't give birth to a child thinking that their relationship is going to be bad, but I wouldn't take the same steps as a parent," she added.

"I would be hyper-aware that a child is not your support system, and that exposing your child to conflicts is very damaging for the spirit and the way they look at life."

Ms Celeste Toh (pictured) believes that her parents' divorce made her a much stronger person. (Photo: CNA/Nuria Ling)

Ms June Leo, a senior social worker at Fei Yue Community Services, said that relationship outcomes are significantly influenced by parental divorce in the clients they see. 

The emotional baggage inherited from witnessing conflict in childhood often leaves children grappling with polar extremes in their own marriages, Ms Leo noted. 

“On one end, some become highly protective of their relationships, vowing never to let their marriage end in divorce. For these individuals, the idea of ‘success’ is tightly linked to maintaining a complete family, even at the expense of their own emotional needs.

“On the other end, there are those who view divorce as an immediate solution to marital conflict, having internalised the belief that separation is an acceptable or inevitable outcome when difficulties arise.” 

However, for those adults who successfully reflect on how they would like to approach their relationships differently – some with professional help – these children of divorce grow up better placed to manage relationships of their own. 

For Shah (not his real name), 20, who was referred to the PPIS As-Salaam Family Support Centre by the courts during his parent's "heartbreaking" divorce at 18, he has become emotionally numb to the idea of building his own family.

"I am afraid that I will not be able to parent my child well. I am also hesitant to enter into a relationship since I fear the drawbacks of an unhappy relationship," he said.

Thankfully, the non-profit organisation's counselling services have been helpful in letting him actively reflect on these issues and coping with the impact of his parent's divorce.

For Ms Qi Zhai-McCartney, a psychotherapist at Alliance Counselling, she said that her adult clients may not intend to start counselling sessions by bringing up their parent’s divorce from childhood, but many realise its impact later upon wanting to change unhealthy relationship patterns of their own.

Professional help allows these adults to recognise and change behaviour modelled after their parents, such as being highly conflict-avoidant or prone to picking fights. 

Ms Leo said that counselling and support are invaluable to some people, but many individuals from divorced families can navigate their experiences independently and go on to form happy, thriving families. 

The diverse set of outcomes that children of divorce have in adulthood underscores how divorce “does not always predetermine relational difficulties”, she added. 

“While adult children of divorced parents face unique challenges, many also display significant resilience. With the right support, they can process their experiences, build healthy relationships and lead fulfilling lives.”  

MOVING PAST THE "BROKEN FAMILY" LABEL

Although some children eventually find their own ways to cope with the impact of their parents' divorce, the lingering societal stigma surrounding divorce further colours their experiences and hampers their efforts to heal. 

For instance, the societal shame placed on parents undergoing divorce inevitably causes them to be emotionally absent for their children and this prevents the children from navigating the new, non-nuclear family dynamic in a healthy way, family counsellors said.

In situations where couples who seek relationship counselling are unable to repair the relationship, Ms Pong suggested a “grieving session” for couples to mourn the loss of the marriage and reconcile their differences to be more effective co-parents.

“What the divorcing parents and their children need is kindness and empathy. With the stigma towards divorce decreasing over the years, it does give them a safer place to process their decision,” she added.

Even though he was greatly affected by his parent’s divorce, Mr Tharmaraj disagreed with generalisations that all divorce leads to bad outcomes without nuance for individual circumstances. 

He pointed out that he has friends who have “two of everything” as they remain in touch with and are supported by both parents.

“It’s not getting a divorce that is wrong. Not prioritising the kids you brought into this world, that is where things go wrong,” he said.

Just as some parents experience shame for breaking up their marriage, their children receive pity for being in such a situation.

Yet, such sympathy might not be helpful, mental health professionals and children of divorce said.

Ms Zhai-McCartney the counsellor said that children of divorce are not necessarily disadvantaged by a less conventional family structure.

She referred to situations where parents stay in a loveless marriage, saying that this can have a negative impact on the children as well, because they model unhealthy spousal relationships and can grow resentful.

Instead of broaching potentially sensitive conversations with the presupposition that a divorce was a necessarily bad outcome, she suggested that outsiders approach such topics with curiosity, rather than judgment.

“Lead with a question, ‘What was that like for you and your parents? What was your experience living through that?’ If we talk about divorce like it’s something dirty, then people walk away with a feeling that it’s something awful,” she added.

Ms Toh, whose parents divorced when she was in Primary 6 after a conflict-ridden marriage, remains estranged from her father but believes that her parent’s divorce made her a much stronger person. 

“People think children of divorced parents are very 'poor thing’, but it’s not always the case. So, we shouldn’t pity someone just because their parents are divorced."

She felt motivated to work hard to take care of her single mother while growing up. Though her mother died in 2015, Ms Toh felt that her mum would have been proud that she managed to complete her university degree.

As for what she would tell other adult children processing their parents’ divorce, she said: “Don’t give up on yourself, because our life now is the only thing to which we can make changes. You are not your parents. You are you.” 

Source: CNA
Advertisement

Recommended

Advertisement