Gen Y Speaks: What I learned after becoming a young father while in university

Over the last two decades, the median age of marriage of both men and women has increased from 28 to 30.3 years old and 25.3 to 28.3 years old respectively, according to a report by the Singapore Department of Statistics in 2017.

Incidentally, during that same period, the total fertility rate in Singapore has been steadily decreasing, reaching a new low of 1.16 in 2017, according to Manpower Minister Josephine Teo early last year. Experts have attributed this to Singaporeans marrying later in life.

Yet, despite this trend, a handful still choose to settle down and start a family when they are young.

I speak from experience. I got married shortly after I turned 24, while in my second year of university. My wife was then a 22-year-old undergraduate. We became parents some 18 months later.

I am a strong believer in the institution of marriage. Interestingly, since I was 15, I had the intention to settle down early, but I never believed it would materialise.

Similarly, my wife had the thought of marrying young when she was in her teenage years, but felt it might not be workable after she enrolled in university.

However, as fate would have it, I got to know her in early 2016 through a co-curricular activity in university.

Eleven months after we met, I proposed to her. She was a bit shocked but agreed as she knew I was serious about our marriage and our relationship.

We got married in early 2017 and welcomed our first child in July last year. Our daughter is now 10 months old.

After some reflection, I see many advantages of young parenthood. This experience has improved my discipline and productivity as well as made me more mature.

The top concern one might have about marrying early and having a child is the huge commitment one must shoulder. Increased care-giving responsibilities can cause significant stress to an individual, a study published by the American Sociological Association in 2008 revealed.

Having to juggle this alongside studies and examinations would surely overwhelm some. But it is exactly these tough circumstances that help to build resilience, which in turn increases maturity.

For instance, when one has to wake up in the middle of the night to attend to a crying baby, one must get used to being deprived of quality sleep. With a baby’s constant needs, one also realises how important it is to make every second in school count.

But knowing that these sacrifices are made for a little human being that we love and treasure can give us that added push to voluntarily give up some personal luxuries.

Having to go through all this at an earlier age makes one feel more empowered to face life’s challenges more confidently.

In 2015, Bayan Raji, a freelance writer and mother of two, wrote on care.com, a global online portal addressing family care needs, that young parents learn important lessons earlier in life due to their duties towards their child.

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Furthermore, being a young parent instills discipline. Before I got married, I could afford to laze around a little from time to time. However, this is something that I gladly can no longer afford to do as I now have to be accountable to my wife and child.

Having them constantly on my mind has pushed me toward a better work ethic.

Interestingly, both our performance in school improved after our marriage. Having said that, there’s no denying that juggling our modules, final-year projects and parenting a newborn has certainly been quite a thrilling challenge.

Being a young parent also means that one has to make more calculated and informed decisions. This often involves discussions and consultations with one’s spouse. For instance, my wife and I have to plan our schedules to ensure that one of us is always around to look after our daughter.

It also means that we try to do as much schoolwork and household chores as we can when our baby is asleep, and be disciplined about our finances, especially as I have to juggle paying for my school fees and sustaining the family from my tuition earnings.

To some, such a life may seem restrictive. But for me, the hours of communication with my wife and going through important milestones in life with her have helped me learn to appreciate views beyond my own and be more tactful.

I have grown more considerate and compassionate as a result.

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YOUR SAY: Tell us what you think

Singaporean journalist Shea Driscoll shared his experience as a young parent in a Straits Times article in May 2017.

He mentioned that, even though young parents lose some privileges that a single person may have, that loss is compensated by the satisfaction gained from voluntary servitude to another being, that is the baby.

The simple joys of seeing his son healthy and sound asleep, and seeing him grin, laugh and take his first steps, had given him much happiness. This satisfaction he had felt is something I can relate to very well as I look at my 10-month-old daughter take her baby steps.

The often youthful idea that "you only live once", in my view, is not about taking a hedonistic approach to life, but rather it is about finding purpose and direction with every step that we take and making every decision count.

This interpretation, I believe, would drive young people to spend their time more meaningfully and in more fulfilling ways.

Nonetheless, not everyone will want to get married at a young age, and that is all right. It is more important that one is mentally and emotionally ready for marriage and parenthood as these are huge responsibilities.

Early parenthood may not be a path taken by many, but with the right motivation and attitude, it may prove to be more advantageous than crippling.

Indeed, we need some trailblazers in our society who are willing to tread on uncommon paths to inspire others to be bold yet responsible in their decision-making. Choosing to take up the challenge of having children while still in university is an example of that.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Muhammad 'Arif Muhammad Khairul Tan is a final-year Linguistics and Multilingual Studies student at Nanyang Technological University, where his wife, Nurul Raihana Abdul Razak, is a final-year Electrical and Electronic Engineering student. Both are graduating in July 2019. This is adapted from a piece which first appeared in Nanyang Chronicle, the campus newspaper.