Should you forgive someone who caused your childhood trauma or abuse? Here's what you need to know first for your health’s sake

• In this last instalment of a four-part series on childhood trauma — in conjunction with World Infant, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Day on April 23 — TODAY speaks to experts to find out how what it takes to find peace when one’s childhood adverse experiences have a significant impact on one’s mental and emotional health
• The first part is on how abuse, parents' divorce and living with mentally unwell persons can affect a child's lifelong health and relationships
• The second addresses what health and social work professionals do to help these children
• The third carries the accounts of two women who grew up in households where there was domestic violence
• Please be advised that the articles delve into topics and accounts of trauma and abuse that may be triggering to the reader

For victims of childhood trauma, letting go of resentment, anger or even hatred towards the people who have hurt them and inflicted deep wounds can be incredibly difficult.

Yet, some people have found healing by practising forgiveness — mainly because they did not want to carry the burden anymore or because they did not want to make bad decisions or mistakes in life choices while being vulnerable or unstable mentally and emotionally.

Forgiving her abuser, for example, helped 39-year-old Sharon Khoo heal and step away from her painful past.

As a child, Mrs Khoo endured years of physical and emotional abuse by her father, and had no one to turn to as her mother tried to hush up the domestic violence.

The traumatic experiences left a profound impact on her mental health during her teenage and young adult years, leading to multiple suicide attempts and self-inflicted harm.

Reflecting on how holding on to anger and bitterness had made her a “bitter rage monster”, Mrs Khoo later realised that forgiveness was the only path to recovery.

“My logical and adult mind said, ‘It’s better you don’t maintain any connections (with your father)’.

“(But) I didn’t want to be a slave or prisoner to my bitterness anymore,” she said.

Mental health experts told TODAY that forgiveness remains a deeply personal choice, but it can be an important part of the healing process for many people who have had adverse childhood experiences.

The term “adverse childhood experience” refers to a potentially traumatic situation or event that a person may face or witness while growing up.

WHAT FORGIVENESS INVOLVES

Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist at Dr BL Lim Centre for Psychological Wellness, highlighted that the term “forgiveness” may imply reconciling with the offender and making peace with the person, but the interpretation in the psychology field differs.

“In the psychological context, forgiveness denotes an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger, and in doing so, sealing off a past wrongdoing and removing it from the present,” he said.

Crucial to forgiveness is accepting that the past experiences happened, and there is a deliberate effort to relinquish anger and stop the self-blame.

“It also involves a commitment to moving forward and focusing on the present moment,” he added. 

HOW FORGIVENESS HEALS AND BENEFITS HEALTH

Besides reducing the impact of past traumas and the symptoms of depression and anxiety, practising forgiveness can protect against intergenerational trauma, research showed.

Intergenerational trauma occurs when victims of trauma repeat the patterns of abuse or violence within the family and expose their children to similar adversities.

In a study published in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma in last December, researchers found that forgiveness is the “one personal protective factor that may disrupt the intergenerational transmission of adverse childhood experiences” and that this factor “is entirely within an individual’s control”.

Based on a study of 150 parents and children combined, analyses revealed that if a parent had a higher number of adverse childhood experiences, this person’s child was likely to have a higher number of similar experiences.

However, forgiveness seemed to weaken this connection, which led the researchers to hypothesise that “parents who showed higher levels of forgiveness of others and self-forgiveness would show a lesser tendency to pass adverse childhood experiences on to their children”.

Forgiveness is also good for the heart, literally.

Past research has shown that the deliberate decision to forgive is linked to a lower risk of a heart attack, reduced cholesterol levels and risk of other cardiovascular diseases.

On the other hand, people who are unable to forgive and let go may end up hurting themselves.

That is because one of the psychological effects of holding on to grudges and resentment is increased stress and anxiety, which triggers the body’s stress response when prolonged, Dr BL Lim explained.

“Holding onto deep-seated anger and resentment can be a contributing factor for the development of mental health disorders such as anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders and personality disorders,” he said.

Persistent resentment can also lead to mistrust, conflict and isolation, making it difficult to form or maintain close relationships, he added.

WHEN FORGIVENESS IS NOT FEASIBLE FOR TRAUMA VICTIMS

The experts emphasised that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation.

It certainly does not mean condoning and excusing the wrongful behaviour that had happened.

“It is important to note that forgiveness is a personal journey and does not necessarily mean forgetting the events or fully reconciling with the offenders,” Dr Lim said.

The idea that doing so is “virtuous can be a burdensome misconception” for people who have been wronged, he added.

“Often, the inability to reconcile with the offender or treat them kindly can lead to feelings of guilt and self-criticism. This may in turn perpetuate distress associated with the wrongdoing, rather than alleviate it.”

In some instances, forgiveness may not be feasible or healthy, especially during or immediately after harm has been done.

In other cases, emotions such as anger following a traumatic incident can sometimes serve as a catalyst for necessary action.

“For instance, a teenager experiencing ongoing physical abuse might harness their anger to stand up and refuse (to take) further abuse.

“Prematurely forgiving the abuser who shows no change in behaviour or remorse can potentially lead to further psychological harm.

“In such cases, it is crucial to prioritise personal safety and emotional health over forgiveness,” Dr Lim said.

If the person persists in the hurtful behaviour despite being forgiven, it is advisable to set clear boundaries to safeguard one’s well-being. In such cases, it may be necessary to even end the relationship, Dr Lim added.

“Forgiveness in this context doesn’t require one to stay in a harmful situation, but to find peace with the past while making healthy choices about the future.

“It’s the ability to love oneself despite these traumas, to put yourself first and live life to the fullest.”

CAN THERE BE FORGIVENESS IF ONE CANNOT FORGET THE TRAUMA?

The popular saying of “to forgive and forget” is often too simplistic, and does not take into account the complexities involved in the emotional process of forgiveness, the experts cautioned.

Dr John Lim, chief well-being officer at private service provider Singapore Counselling Centre, acknowledged that forgiving someone who has hurt you can be tough.

“Trust may have been broken, and there might be a profound sense of injustice and betrayal,” he said.

“The process involves not just excusing someone’s actions but finding a way to live with the impact of those actions — without letting them control one’s emotional well-being.”

He also said that erasing memories of hurtful experiences is not always necessary for “true forgiveness” to take place.

“It’s about releasing those memories from one’s grip so that one can go on living without holding grudges.

“Recalling (past hurts or traumatic experiences) can be a process of learning that can aid the person in future boundary-setting and healthier decision-making,” he added.

Conversely, suppressing those memories may interfere with the emotional processing that is required for healing. 

Dr BL Lim said: “Often, the healing process includes deliberate exposure to the memories within the safety of therapy.”

HOW TO MOVE TOWARDS FORGIVENESS

Everyone has a unique recovery journey, so everyone’s path to healing is different, and forgiving someone is a personal choice that cannot be rushed or prescribed, Dr John Lim said.

However, there are some practices that can aid in the healing process.

Dr BL Lim said that therapy and counselling can provide a safe space for people to understand and process traumatic experiences.

In therapy, techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, also known as EMDR, are used.

They can help people reframe negative thoughts, work through trauma and develop healthier emotional responses.

“Forgiveness unfolds over time and requires acknowledging and working through complex emotions.

“Individual therapy offers a supportive environment to delve into these emotions safely.

“It facilitates a deeper understanding of one’s feelings and can open doors to forgiveness, helping people navigate their path towards healing more effectively,” Dr BL Lim said.

In addition to therapy, cultivating self-compassion and mindfulness is crucial for those who have experienced trauma.

Similar to mindfulness, embracing forgiveness is something that can be practised.

The mental health experts suggested ways to develop a more forgiving attitude: 

• Consider the benefits of letting go of grudges, compared to the consequences of clinging onto anger and resentment
• Set and maintain clear boundaries, especially with people who may have contributed to your traumatic experiences. It protects your emotional health and supports the healing process, making forgiveness more attainable
• Demonstrate empathy by considering the problem from the other person's perspective
• Practise mindfulness or meditation to cultivate compassion for yourself and others
• Write down in a journal your feelings, experiences and thoughts. These may provide valuable insights and clarity into how you feel and process emotions
• Seek professional guidance to navigate the emotional challenges of forgiveness and healing

Dr John Lim from the Singapore Counselling Centre said it is important to recognise that healing is possible regardless of whether there is forgiveness.

“Healing is an extremely private process… For some, (forgiveness) is not a prerequisite for moving on and finding peace,” he added.

“Focusing on self-compassion, seeking support from trustworthy people or professionals, and engaging in healing practices can be instrumental in moving from a place of pain to one of empowerment.”

In Mrs Khoo's case, moving towards forgiveness has not been a simple task, but she recognised that she needed it for her own healing.

She credited her religious faith as playing a significant role in her decision to forgive and not hold a grudge against her father.  

“Choosing forgiveness is a choice; it's not just a feeling because if we go by feelings, my human nature says that I don’t want to forgive,” she said. 

“There’s a saying that we often hear. ‘To err is human but to forgive, divine’.

“Forgiveness is not a human process; it's actually something that you need to work with a higher power to be able to do it.”  

Despite her father’s apology after the birth of her first child, Mrs Khoo would not consider their relationship fully repaired.

She recommended that he sought professional help, but he declined.

To ensure the well-being and safety of her family, she has set boundaries and refrains from meeting him in person.

To this day, though, she is “keeping the door opened” for the possibility that her father will eventually seek professional support, allowing for a full reconciliation. 

To people who are seeking forgiveness, Dr BL Lim emphasised that it should involve more than just an apology or seeking reconciliation.

“It should be an act of restitution whereby the person (who hurt you) genuinely takes responsibility and makes efforts to rectify the wrong done.

“In the instance where an adult has harmed a child, seeking forgiveness on the adult’s part involves taking full responsibility for the harm caused, offering a sincere apology and making amends through consistent, changed behaviour,” he said.

WHERE TO GET HELP

• Youth centres under the Singapore Children’s Society

- RoundBox@Children's Society (Toa Payoh): 6259 3735 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)
- Vox@Children's Society (Chai Chee): 6443 4139 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)
- JYC@Children's Society (Jurong): 6566 6989 (Mon, Wed and Fri, 8.45am to 5.45pm)
- The Fort@Children's Society (Radin Mas): 6276 5077 (Mon to Fri, 8.30am to 5.30pm)

• Fei Yue's Online Counselling Service: eC2.sg website (Mon to Fri, 10am to 12pm, 2pm to 5pm)
• Institute of Mental Health's Mental Health Helpline: 6389-2222 (24 hours)
• Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 (24 hours) / 1-767 (24 hours)
• Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)
• Silver Ribbon Singapore: 6386-1928 / 6509-0271 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)
• Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 (Mon to Fri, 2.30pm to 5pm)
• Touchline (Counselling): 1800-377-2252 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)