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Mental Health Matters

Gen Zen: Stressing out over gatherings? If you've always dreaded the festive season, here's how to navigate it

SINGAPORE — While the festive season is usually a time of celebration and joyousness for most people, for Ms Nicole Kay, 41, Christmas can be stressful and depressing. 

Growing up, Christmas celebrations for Ms Kay were spent simply without much fanfare and treated very much like any other day. During her first Christmas with her husband’s family, the then 25-year-old was surprised that this was not the case for everyone. 

“When I got married, I experienced a bit of a culture shock because of how Christmas was a huge affair that involved gathering with my husband’s extended relatives, complete with elaborate gift exchanges, potluck and some carolling,” she said. 

Ms Kay is now the executive director of registered charity, The Tapestry Project, which champions mental health education.

She said that a large part of the stress came from the “unspoken rule” of buying gifts for everyone attending the gatherings, which sometimes had more than 30 people.

Buying gifts for such a large number of people often involved careful planning and consideration, ensuring that gifts were appropriate and did not offend. 

“I wasn’t used to that level of celebration, interaction and logistics,” she recalled, adding that she often felt the pressure to “show up” and participate. 

The first couple of Christmas gatherings exacerbated her anxiety and depression, which was diagnosed a year before she got married.

Ms Kay is not alone; experts told TODAY that the festive season can be challenging for some people for several reasons, whether it be holiday shopping stress or feeling isolated and lonely.

Ms Glenn Woo, a professional counsellor at Singapore-based therapy platform Talk Your Heart Out, said: “Family or social gatherings may not evoke the warm, fuzzy feelings most would associate gatherings with.

"In fact, it can be a great source of stress being forced to mingle with family members or friends one may have had unpleasant experiences with.”

Ms Liew Shi Min, director and clinical psychologist of Heartscape Psychology, said that for individuals who prefer time for themselves, having all these added gatherings means expending more mental and emotional energy, which can be draining. 

While the “festive blues” can be precipitated by many reasons, experts said that these feelings are “completely normal” and they gave advice on ways to establish healthy boundaries when it comes to the holiday season. 

NOT THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME FOR SOME 

For many people, the year-end festivities may be time spent with loved ones gathered around a table that has roasted turkey, fruit cakes and bottomless cups of cider.

However, this emphasis on togetherness and “being happy” can be triggering as well. 

Ms Kay said that the holiday season brings a mix of emotions because there is a “sense of incongruence” between the joyous atmosphere around a person and the personal struggles that the person is going through on the inside. 

“These challenges and difficult feelings accompany me throughout the year, but they become more apparent when I am confronted by society’s expectation to ‘be happy’ during the festive season,” she added. 

Ms Priscilla Shin, principal psychotherapist of Range counselling services, said that the quest for the “perfect” holiday experience coupled with societal expectations can be overwhelming and contribute to high levels of stress.

She added: “For some people who may be dealing with mental health issues, they may find their symptoms exacerbated during this time, and family conflicts or strained dynamics can make gatherings stressful.”

Besides navigating family dynamics, Ms Liew from Heartscape Psychology said that there is a pressure to put on a “happy front”, even for someone who might be grieving.

Ms Shin said: “It may seem hard for them to enjoy themselves while everyone else is enjoying the holidays because they may not be able to resonate with the ‘joy’ that others find during this season.”

With the added emphasis on celebrating with friends and family, the holidays might also trigger an acute sense of loneliness for those who do not have strong connections, Ms Shin added. 

Ms Woo from Talk Your Heart Out pointed out that the year-end holidays can cause significant financial strain, especially with the pressures of gift-giving. 

“There can be an immense amount of pressure to give gifts that are trendy or high in monetary value,” she said.

“People with limited means may find it difficult to keep up with holiday trends and feel pressured to spend more than they are comfortable with.”

SETTING BOUNDARIES WHILE STILL BEING MERRY

The holidays, while stressful and difficult for some people, can still be enjoyable as long as there are boundaries put in place, the experts said. 

“Learning to say 'yes' to new opportunities is important, but it is also equally important to learn to say 'no',” Ms Woo said.

To feel more comfortable saying 'no', her advice is to normalise saying 'no' to things such as attending a party, drinking alcohol, or even taking part in a gift exchange. 

“You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re abstaining,” she added. 

Ms Shin from Range said that opening up to a trusted friend about not feeling your best at social gatherings could help immensely. 

The experts shared other useful tips for those who might have a hard time during Christmas: 

  • Set realistic expectations for yourself, allowing some space to participate in any activity or event at your own pace. This can include setting a time limit of how long to stay — for example, only dropping by with the gift or for tea instead of staying throughout the entire meal and gift exchange 
  • Try to plan an exit strategy in case you feel overwhelmed at events, and focus on smaller, more intimate interactions rather than engaging with the entire group
  • Get a trusted friend or family member to accompany you for support and help establish your boundaries
  • For those who struggle with loneliness, redefine what it means to be alone during the holidays. If you prefer to spend the holidays curled up with a good book or binge-watching the shows you have been putting off, that can also be considered a wonderful festive season
  • Before and after the event, focus on self-care — engage in activities that bring you comfort and relaxation 
  • If the feelings are too overwhelming, reaching out to a trusted professional is always a good idea

Ms Kay said that a “turning point” for her during Christmas gatherings was when one of her husband’s relatives, whom she barely knew, approached her to ask how she was doing.

“She shared with me that she understands how difficult it can get. She told me to just come and that I could always leave early,” Ms Kay recalled, saying she was very moved by the gesture. 

She would then look forward to the gatherings so that she could chat and connect with this relative. “Gradually, these feelings of dread melted into feelings of positive anticipation,” Ms Kay said.

“I’ve learned to be gentle with myself,” she added. “I’ve also learned to communicate my needs to my loved ones. They might not fully understand it, perhaps, but at least they know that I’m trying my best.”

Source: TODAY
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