Gen Zen: I tried and failed to cut my phone out of my life. So I sought a healthier relationship with it instead

SINGAPORE — I'd thought about committing to a digital detox for some time, especially given the rigours of my work, which requires me to be connected to my phone all day.

The concept of going cold turkey, at least during non-working hours, was appealing to me, especially after I read what my colleague Renald wrote last week.

He experienced some measure of success in his week-long cold turkey experiment. I was also confident that I was disciplined enough to stick to my detox routine.

I was piqued by his conclusion that he was able to reclaim his time and mental space even with the constant notifications and demands for instant responses that have become routine.

However, when I gave it a go, things turned out differently and my digital detox quickly turned out to be a resounding failure.

For starters, technology seemed unavoidable even as I tried to cut it out from my life.

Like what Renald experienced, navigating unfamiliar places required me to use my phone as a digital guide. Even at restaurants, QR codes often replaced physical menus. Then there was also work-related communication, which I could not simply ignore.

Knowing that I would never be able to function normally with zero use of my phone, I sought the advice of experts on how to instead cultivate a healthier relationship with the device while still staying connected and productive.

It was through their help that I found a better solution — one that involves setting boundaries that are customised to my needs and lifestyle.

USING YOUR PHONE TO HELP YOU DISCONNECT

The old adage “If you can’t beat them, join them” rings true when it comes to managing phone dependency, and using technology to help us disconnect may work more effectively.

Ms Chern Hui Ying, a counsellor at Huggs the Heart Therapy, recommended wellness applications like Forest, which claims on its website to help users stay focused "on the important things in life".

In this app, users set a time limit to how long they wish to stay off their phone and a virtual tree will grow as long as they stay off their phone. If they exit the app to use their phone, the tree withers and dies.

I was immediately taken by the concept. For starters, it's a cute play on the carrot-and-stick approach, though I had some reservations about whether using the app meant that I'd still be tempted to use the phone for other purposes — like doom-scrolling on social media.

So, over several days, I tried out the app.

I found it incredibly useful in managing my phone usage, although I admit that I gave up more than once, which caused my virtual forest to be decimated.

Whenever I reached over to check my phone, the app displayed messages including "Stop phubbing!" and "Get back to work", which effectively reminded me to stay off my phone.

The calming and soothing forest sounds it played in the background also created a serene environment that made concentrating easier. 

Perhaps it was also the discomfort of seeing my hard-earned forest wither away due to a lack of discipline that kept me motivated. Overall, Forest transformed the challenge of reducing screen time into an engaging, pleasant experience.

Besides Forest, there are also other apps such as Flipd or Offtime that can also enforce breaks and provide insights into phone usage patterns, promoting a more mindful and balanced approach to phone use. 

ESTABLISHING GOALS AND SETTING BOUNDARIES

Ultimately, these apps seek to reward healthy behaviour and punish unhealthy ones, but not in a manner that could cripple your daily life, vis a vis not being able to use the phone. 

It boils down to setting clear goals and allocating set periods for screen-free activities, and in reality, you don't really need an app to do that.

Ms Chern said that to strike a balance between necessary phone use and reducing screen time, one way to do so is to set "smart goals", which refers to specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and timely goals.

“A goal such as ‘to not use my phone’ may not be as effective as ‘to reduce time spent on my phone by 50 per cent a week’. This is due to the latter being measurable and achievable,” she added.

Another expert said that setting physical and virtual boundaries for phone usage can help reduce the urge to scroll impulsively.

Ms Priscilla Shin, principal psychotherapist of Range Counselling Services, said that utilising focus modes or "do not disturb" settings during work or relaxation times can significantly reduce interruptions.

This could involve designating phone-free zones such as the dining area or bedroom and setting specific times for phone use, such as limiting social media to certain hours.

In terms of virtual boundaries, turning off non-essential notifications also reduces interruptions in the hours you have set for yourself to use the phone, Ms Shin recommended.

Using screen-time trackers and app blockers can also help us to monitor and limit screen time, she added.

That said, how do we determine what goals and boundaries to set in the first place?

Mr Chirag Agarwal, co-founder and chief growth officer of online counselling and coaching platform Talk Your Heart Out, said that we should first be honest with ourselves about how much we depend on our phones for various uses like work, administrative tasks or even entertainment.

“This way, when you draw up plans to limit your usage, you do so in a way that does not disrupt your life and so you are less likely to give up altogether,” he advised.

This approach can help us to work out how much is a reasonable amount when it comes to duration of phone use, he added.

Acting on their advice, I set a goal to reduce my screen time on Instagram, the app I use the most, by 25 per cent. I also designated my bedroom as a phone-free zone.

I admit, it was tough trying to stick to the rules I had set for myself, and the lure of instant gratification tempted me more times than I could count in the week when I tried this new approach.

However, I stuck to my resolve through sheer willpower, using strategies such as disabling Instagram after 9pm and placing my phone somewhere else during my dinner time, which is a screen-free period.

Gradually, I found that my urge to check my phone diminished, and I enjoyed more restful evenings without the distraction of social media.

WHY SETTING BOUNDARIES IS BETTER THAN THE COLD TURKEY METHOD

Compared with going cold turkey, Ms Shin from Range Counselling Service said that setting boundaries and being intentional with phone use is a more sustainable approach because it gradually reduces phone use and eases the transition.

This allows people to develop healthier habits over time without the shock of an abrupt cessation.

“This gradual approach also reduces stress and anxiety associated with sudden withdrawal, while positive reinforcement from incremental improvements boosts motivation,” she added.

Some of Ms Shin’s clients who have adopted these methods reduced their screen time by 30 to 50 per cent, and reported that their productivity and focus levels also got a boost.

Mr Agarwal from Talk Your Heart Out said that because mobile phones have become an integral part of our daily lives, it is difficult to unilaterally decide to stop using them and any attempt to go cold turkey is more likely to fail. 

“The idea here is to find a new healthy balance in terms of phone usage that you can sustain for the long run and not ‘kick the habit’ like you would with smoking, for instance, where the cold turkey approach may work.”

HOW DO I MAINTAIN DISCIPLINE?

For people (like me), who lack discipline in setting boundaries and following rules, Mr Agarwal recommended starting with small changes such as leaving the mobile phone outside the bedroom and building your way up to more challenging changes such as uninstalling a social media app.

Ms Shin said that using positive reinforcement such as rewarding yourself when meeting your goals is another way to help you stay on track.

“For example, giving yourself a full 30 minutes of your favourite Netflix show is one way you can celebrate a milestone,” she said of the entertainment streaming provider.

Infusing fun and engagement into daily activities instead of merely trying to avoid phone usage is another approach that Ms Chern suggested, recommending that people seek out offline activities such as playing board games or spending time outdoors in the park to enjoy more fulfilling experiences.

“When you are living life more fully and in the moment, there would be a reduced likelihood of being tempted to rely on your devices for entertainment,” she added.

Since adopting these strategies, I felt like I had gotten more restful nights of sleep thanks to a phone-free bedroom and I also noticed fewer problems such as eye strain from excessive screen time.

Socially, my interactions with my family have been more meaningful and present, where we talk about how our day went over dinner instead of being distracted by digital notifications.

While these changes indeed took time and discipline, such an approach helped me to foster a more balanced relationship with my phone.

For now, I will try the next step that will require even more discipline on my end: Whenever I'm left to my own devices every Saturday, I want to reduce my mindless scrolling of TikTok.

And I think I can achieve this with the help of the Forest app, because it's either I cut my TikTok usage, or the app cuts down my field of carefully grown trees.