Love, Mum: Married at 21, this Gen Zer who had a tough childhood wants to give her kids the love she never had

SINGAPORE — The memory of being "abandoned" by her mother to a guardian during her childhood is still vivid even now for 26-year-old Cynthia Ong.

Recalling the incident that has been seared in her mind, Ms Ong said that after her parents divorced when she was seven and her mother won custody of her, her mother dropped her off at a family friend’s house one day.

“And then she didn’t come back,” Ms Ong told TODAY. Her mother simply told her at the time that she needed to go off and buy something — and did not return until a month later.

That then became the routine: Her mother would show up just once a month. 

“I asked her where she went and she said she was busy working. She picked me up on some weekends to go out and I always told her that I didn’t want to go back (to the guardian’s house). 

“She thought I was just throwing tantrums,” Ms Ong said.

“The guardian was abusive, too. The family didn’t send me to school. I had to take my meals outside the house, so I had to stand and eat. I could go back in only after I had finished my food.”

A year later from the first day she was dropped off at the guardian's house, Ms Ong’s mum realised the seriousness of the situation when she got a call from her daughter's registered primary school, saying that she had not attended classes.

Ms Ong later moved into a rental flat, where she lived with her mother until she was 13, before eventually moving in with her father and brother, who is six years younger. 

Today, Ms Ong is a sales and marketing executive and a mother of two boys who are four and three years old. 

And on her most tired days — between handling a full-time job and caring for two children without hired help in the form of a domestic worker — she cannot imagine being separated from her children for unspecified long periods or letting them experience what she went through as a child.

She has vowed not to be like her mother.

Without a close relationship with her mother and no longer in contact with her, Ms Ong said that she had no one in the family to turn to when she became a parent.

This was especially when she was having pregnancy pains and recuperating during the confinement period after birth. 

BURNT OUT AND LOOKING FOR CONNECTIONS

Later, in finding ways to cope with burnout and frustrated with feeling alone, she began filming videos of herself last July and posting them on video-sharing application TikTok under the handle "@tiredgenzmom". 

Hoping to get some connection with other parents, Ms Ong began posting about her evening routine as a working mum, cleaning up the house and having playtime with the children. 

She did the "Day in My Life" vlogs on TikTok, a trend that gained popularity two years ago, documenting her life before and after work and how she and her husband spend time with the children. 

"After the kids go to sleep at 10pm, I have two to three hours of 'me time'... That's when I'll find some time to edit my videos," she said. 

The responses were mostly positive, with some users voicing their support for her. Others wrote to say that it was nice to see a fellow mother having similar routines as them.

Ms Ong finds it comforting that people are able to relate to her experiences as a working mother in Singapore.

“They can come and talk about their tiredness and experience of being a mum. I hope they see my content and think, ‘Eh, there are also mums going through this. I’m not alone’.

“The ultimate goal is to bring together a community of mums who feel this is their safe space." 

Right now, she has more than 35,000 followers on TikTok watching videos of her everyday life, which are published on her account once every two to four days. 

In one video, a TikTok user commented: “Y’all look like such cool parents. It makes me feel like I want to have kids, too.”

Another one said: "Wow... you got energy to clean till 1230am. Salute you, mummy."

Her most viral video, posted in March, now has more than 2.3 million views.

It shows her returning home on a Friday at around 6.30pm, then showering her sons when they got home, having dinner that was delivered to their flat, going out as a family of four to buy groceries, going home to eat waffles that they had bought and getting some playtime in, putting her children to sleep, putting away cleaned laundry and then her own bedtime at around midnight.

Ms Ong said that she was surprised by the reactions she got to her videos. “You know, the content that I film, I think much of them are almost identical, just that I’m wearing different clothes every day. 

“I think because of my account name (a tired Gen Z mum), a lot of my viewers are Gen Zers who are curious. They’ll tell me that my life is ‘very cool’ and that they also want to be like me when they become a mum one day,” she added, saying that these comments warm her heart.

As for concerns of "sharenting", or over-sharing her parenting experience online and compromising the safety and privacy of her young children, she said: "I am very conscious of what I post about them. I don't talk about their names, about the location of their schools and I don't show them when they are throwing tantrums and not feeling their best."

WHY SHE WANTED TO BE A YOUNG PARENT

Coming from a broken family and having spent most of her childhood and adolescence split between her parents’ homes, Ms Ong has a clear vision of the parent she aspires to be and the level of attentiveness she intends to offer her children.

“I will always tell myself that I’ll never, ever let my children go through what I did.” 

On her decision to be a young parent — she got married at the age of 21 and had her first child at 22 — she said: “Some people found it odd that I would choose to have kids after having a difficult childhood. But to me, I want to have a loving family for myself because this was something I never had.” 

Ms Ong added that it was her dream to embrace motherhood at a young age, because she wanted to have the energy to actively engage and play with her children during their formative years.

And when they grow older, she envisions herself becoming a "cool mum" figure, fostering a relationship with her children that is characterised by open communication and friendship.

Ms Ong likes to think that her parenting style is somewhere in between Asian parenting and gentle parenting. 

Asian parenting takes on an authoritarian approach, often enforcing strict rules and punishment for wrongdoings. Gentle parenting prioritises empathy and positive discipline techniques such as problem-solving together as a family.

“I try my best to find a balance," Ms Ong said. "If they do something wrong, I will talk to them to make them understand what I’m saying and give them three chances.

“If they still do it after three times, then I know they’re trying to be funny, and only then will I scold them and discipline them.” 

She admitted that managing her emotions can be tough on some days due to work stress and fatigue. 

At the same time, she is acutely aware of how a parent's strong and uncontrolled emotions can become a lasting bad memory to children, just like how some painful parts of her own childhood remain clear as day in her mind today.

“Because of this, I have to exercise a lot of self-control and regulate my emotions constantly. I don’t want to go to sleep regretting what I did to my kids.”

Ms Ong remembered that when she was dating Mr Nicholas Tan — now her husband — and told him that she wanted to be a mother early, he was a little surprised.

“He likes to plan things first before doing them. At first, he told me we should wait a while before having our first child.

“But to me, there is never a right time. We can wait a few years, but maybe there will be other reasons to tell ourselves that we should wait longer. So I convinced him we should do it as soon as possible.” 

Mr Tan eventually agreed with his wife since he also likes children and wanted to become a father. 

The 31-year-old sales manager of a car rental company told TODAY: "It's more of a mutual decision rather than giving in (to my wife). I also see the benefits of being still 'young' when our children are 18."

Ms Ong said that as a young parent, she does not feel like she is missing out on anything as someone in her 20s.

On the contrary, she feels like her life has a purpose now. 

“When I was younger, we never officially celebrated Mother’s Day or such commemorative days, even though I really wanted family time. My brother and I were always on our own. 

“Today, I have two sons and they're the reason I work so hard.

"They keep me motivated and I constantly want to be a better version of myself.

"If I were given a chance to go back in time, I would still choose to be a young mum. I have no regrets.”