Complaining can be good for you, until it isn’t. Here's how to vent without the toxicity

For most of my life, I have considered myself a generally upbeat person – at least, that’s what I tell myself when taking personality quizzes. 

I try to keep things light most days, but maybe it is the Singaporean in me that cannot quite shake our well-known “complaint culture”, so I do enjoy the occasional "venting session" to get the day's frustrations off my chest.

Lately, though, as my peers and I navigate full-time work and other adulthood commitments, it feels like there is always something to gripe about: The erratic weather, a manager’s offhand remark or yet another never-ending project. 

Even though my friends and I try to steer clear of “trauma dumping”, I’ve noticed how many of our catch-up meals come with a side of venting.

I often catch myself mid-rant, apologising and thanking my friend for listening before insisting: “I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy.”

Yet, it got me thinking: Where is the line between healthy complaining and being, well, just plain negative?

As bad a reputation as being a frequent complainer may have, are there any upsides to grumbling? If not, why do we love to do it so much? 

AM I BECOMING A CONSTANT GRUMBLER?

However, as much as complaining can feel good in the short term, mental health experts cautioned that chronic complaining can lead people to perceive the world in a negative light. This can hurt interpersonal relationships.

Dr Karen Pooh, a clinical psychologist at Alliance Counselling, said that she has seen clients who have lost friends or the clients have noticed people avoiding them for being “too negative”. Some clients even abstain from venting for fear of being a burden to those around them. 

That is not to say that one should bottle up emotions, rather that there are limits to how effective venting can be before one is caught in a vicious circle of negativity. 

“Constant complaining can deepen frustration and make problems seem bigger than they are. The more we focus on negativity, the more our brain adapts to expect and dwell on it,” Dr Pooh said. 

Too much complaining can feed our negativity bias – a phenomenon where people are naturally prone to focus on negative experiences more than positive ones. 

WHY COMPLAINING CAN BE GOOD FOR YOU

Mental health professionals told me that complaining feels good because it does have some benefits. These include having our feelings validated and connecting more with people around us. 

Mr James Chong, clinical director of counselling and psychotherapy centre The Lion Mind, said that complaining can be a “positive form of communication” because it enables people to seek support from their social circle and have an outlet for expressing dissatisfaction. 

“It provides a sense of perceived control over situations where they may have no real control, offering emotional relief and a feeling of being heard and understood.”

Airing one’s frustrations may help foster relationships among people who share similar issues, reinforcing social bonds, Mr Chong added.

Agreeing, Mr Haikal Jamil, senior clinical psychologist and founder of ImPossible Psychological Services, said that the tendency to complain is linked to our “core emotional needs” of having our emotions validated and feeling that we are not alone in our struggles.

Venting can be a healthy coping mechanism since it allows us to release negative emotions, feel calmer and supported instead of remaining upset, Mr Haikal explained.

He added that processing one’s frustrations with others can lead to productive discussions that encourage growth, including enabling people to recognise their roles in the development of the problem faced, or to learn new approaches in addressing the issue.

When people repeatedly voice their frustrations, their brains strengthen neural pathways associated with negativity, Mr Chong from The Lion Mind said.

This means that frequent complaining can build negative thinking patterns, reinforce stress, anxiety and low mood, and prevent people from feeling grateful for positive experiences, he added. 

He pointed out that in a workplace setting, frequent complaining can affect team morale and even form “negative social groups” in which members reinforce each other’s dissatisfaction, creating a hostile and discouraging atmosphere. 

Complaining veers into “emotional dumping” and this may drive others away, if people engage in frequent or lengthy discussions about the issues they face and how they feel over multiple occasions, Mr Haikal from ImPossible Psychological Services said. 

“Listening to someone who is always complaining and not taking active steps to address the situation can be emotionally exhausting,” he added.

So, how can we tell when complaining starts to become less of a healthy coping mechanism?

Mr Haikal said that one red flag to watch out for is when you are venting solely to seek confirmation of your beliefs without the willingness to see others’ perspectives. 

If you are stuck seeing yourself as the “victim” in a given situation, this could hamper your levels of emotional resilience in the long run and blunt your ability to problem solve, he added. 

“Frequent complaining accompanied by inaction can lead to feelings of hopelessness and prolonged frustration.”

On the other hand, you can tell that venting is healthy when it helps you to process emotions, gain perspectives from people you trust and provides clarity on how to move forward. 

“Venting is most effective when paired with proactive coping strategies like problem-solving, self-care or seeking professional support,” Dr Pooh said. 

HOW TO REFRAME COMPLAINING

If venting fails to provide relief, this may be a sign that it is time to take a step back and look for healthier ways to cope.

Self-awareness is key in moving beyond unhelpful complaining, which can be repetitive and ruminative and involve focusing on problems without any effort to solve them, Mr Chong said. 

Instead, it would be better to try and reframe complaints into constructive statements that could encourage problem-solving, he suggested.

For instance, in a scenario where you are slighted at work, you could find ways to express your needs clearly and seek feedback from co-workers. 

“Instead of saying, ‘My colleague is always so rude’, reframe it to something like, ‘I feel frustrated when my colleague interrupts me during meetings. I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss how we can improve communication’,” Mr Chong said.

Agreeing, Dr Pooh emphasised the importance of checking with yourself on how complaining makes you feel and then assessing if complaining has solved your problem.

“Ask yourself if you feel better or worse after complaining. If venting leaves you feeling more frustrated, stuck or emotionally drained, it may not be serving you,” Dr Pooh said. 

One may also set boundaries around complaining, by limiting how often and how long one complains before focusing on something else, and making sure to surround oneself with people who encourage balanced discussions rather than adding fuel to the fire, she advised. 

Should negative emotions persist even after venting, this may indicate that it is time to seek a professional outlet instead of laying it all on people around you, the experts said.

“It is helpful to realise that unlike mental health professionals, your friends and family members have limits in their ability to support you. Mental health professionals not only provide a judgment-free space, but also possess the skills to explore the issues faced at a deeper level,” Mr Haikal said.