Gen Zen: Living with family can raise tensions and strain relations. When should one consider moving out?

(Illustration: CNA/Samuel Woo)
SINGAPORE — When freelance editor and writer Sally (not her real name) moved out of her family home in 2019, she felt a “huge burden” had been lifted.
“I'm able to live as myself, the person I wish to be,” the 38-year-old said, after removing herself from a “toxic home environment” that had a history of sexual, emotional and verbal abuse from her parents.
“Living away from home has been my best decision, allowing myself to carve spaces and relationships that mean something to me, as opposed to those imposed on me.”
For another woman, 28-year-old Amanda Ng, she finds living with her parents and sister a “suffocating” experience, even though she has a great relationship with them.
The content marketing manager said that living with three adults “with different wants, needs and dietary requirements” can sometimes feel exhausting.
The constant need to compromise and accommodate them leaves Ms Ng feeling out of control and infantilised.
“I feel very suffocated to constantly be around three people asking me, 'Where are you going? What are you eating?',” she said, even though she appreciates her family looking out for her.
Experiencing friction when living with family is common, but when should one decide that enough is enough and consider moving out?
Experts told TODAY that moving out of the family home can be exciting and a rite of passage, but it can also be complicated, saddled with warring feelings of guilt and the need to assert one’s independence.
Ms Ooi Sze Jin, founder and psychologist of A Kind Place, a counselling practice, said: “Preparing for the emotional transition of moving out of the family home can be intricate, particularly within cultural contexts valuing familial unity.
“Deciding to take the first step towards moving out requires considerable courage and self-reflection.”
WHEN DO DISAGREEMENTS BECOME TOO MUCH?
Squabbles over which movie to watch or who is hogging the bathroom are normal when living together, but the experts said that the tipping point is when these disagreements start to affect one’s mental health.
“Friction within the family often arises from prolonged proximity, as individuals can experience discord when spending excessive time together,” Ms Ooi said.
She added that other factors such as heightened awareness in adulthood, leading individuals to recognise past neglect or trauma inflicted by their parents during their formative years, also contribute to disagreements.
Ms Jeanice Cheong, a clinical psychologist from Heartscape Psychology, a psychotherapy outfit, said that occasional conflicts or disagreements are “part and parcel of living with one’s family”.
However, one should pay attention when these interactions become more characterised by “aggression, criticisms, disengagement and violence”.
“It can take a toll not just on their relationships but also their mental health,” she said.
Some of these signs to look out for are:
- Increased irritability, frequent episodes of crying or heightened anger
- A tendency to disengage or isolate from social support
- Reduced ability to focus at work, school or other commitments
- Physical symptoms that include significant weight changes (either gain or loss) or increased susceptibility to illness
- Increased substance use such as drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes
MOVING OUT: THE GOOD AND BAD
Venturing out from the familiarity of one’s home might seem like a simple transition that is much needed for some people, but the experts said that this can be highly complex for the individual.
Ms Priscilla Shin, principal psychotherapist of Range Counselling Services, said that moving out can even be “emotionally painful” because of all the memories the house holds and uncertainty about the future.
Ms Cheong from Heartscape Psychology said that living independently may also require immense adjustment and effort in managing daily demands and responsibilities, which can inevitably translate to stress.
When Sally moved out, for example, she had to learn to manage finances and domestic chores.
“I've learnt how to stretch a dollar so that bills are paid and there's always something to cook at home,” she said. “I wouldn't say that's a surprise, but it sure is a great lesson”.
At the same time, moving can have a positive impact on one's mental health by helping a person achieve autonomy and independence, boosting their self-esteem and empowering them to make decisions aligned with their values, Ms Shin said.
She added that living independently also allows a person to create an environment that promotes relaxation and personal expression, reducing stress and improving overall mental well-being.
Sally can attest to this, saying that living away from home brings “so much more benefits”.
“Sure, I have to take on domestic responsibilities now, but it's on my own terms and I've created my own safe space,” she said.
Furthermore, this “newfound freedom” and distance often reshape the dynamics of familial interactions, Ms Shin from Range Counselling Services said.
This is because being distant from the family can lead to healthier boundaries and improved relationships, reducing conflicts and tensions.
Agreeing, Ms Ng said: “I think moving out might even strengthen our relationship because I would want to see them (my family members) a bit more.
“When I'm away from them, I tend to want to check in on them a little bit more.”
ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES WHEN LIVING AT HOME
For those who strongly desire to move out but cannot do so yet, establishing boundaries with household members and practising self-care can alleviate some of the stresses of living with the family.
Identifying these boundaries can be as simple as needing time alone to recharge after work or school and wanting family members to knock on the door before entering your room.
Ms Cheong said that it is important to be clear about your boundaries and what you want your family to do about it.
For example, you may communicate this to your family by saying: “I feel uncomfortable when you enter my room without knocking. Please knock before entering the next time.”
Ms Cheong added: “When boundaries are respected, it can lead to a more conducive family environment and better family relationships.”
The experts agreed that having an open dialogue with family members is the most ideal situation. However, if that is not possible, professional help can be considered.
“When communication proves challenging, seeking external support such as family counselling can provide invaluable insight into familial dynamics and enhance communication strategies,” Ms Ooi said.
In addition to establishing boundaries, practising self-care such as mindfulness can help individuals better understand their emotional responses to familial stressors.
Other self-care tips include:
- Connecting with nature
- Engaging in regular exercise
- Cultivating a support network outside the family
- Seeking professional help if needed
Ms Shin said: “Most importantly, the person should set realistic expectations for themselves and the situation, acknowledging that change takes time.”