Gen Zen: How to tell your friends when you're feeling down and get the support you need

SINGAPORE — Shortly after 23-year-old David experienced his first bouts of panic attacks in 2019, he knew instinctively that he needed to get help. It took him almost a whole year of grappling with suicidal thoughts, however, before he finally told a close friend what he was going through. 

Even then, he struggled to get the words out of his mouth. 

Mental health experts agree that broaching the topic can be challenging, particularly with people we are close to, as opening up about one’s mental health struggles can feel like opening a can of worms. 

“We are worried about how they will think of us, and sometimes fear the response that we will get from them. We may also not want to cause them to overly worry for us,” said Dr Timothy Singham, a clinical psychologist with Viriya Community Services. 

For David, who did not want to be identified by his real name, this was especially true. 

"I didn't want people to think that I was weak, and I didn't want people to question why I felt that way... because on the surface nothing seemed to be wrong with my life," he said. 

"My greatest fear was my friends thinking I was saying it to gain pity or attention or something."

As part of a new weekly mental health series, TODAY asked experts how one should broach the often uncomfortable topic of their personal mental health struggles with others, and likewise, what they can do if someone confides in them. 

HOW SHOULD I CONFIDE IN OTHERS?

While there is no “single formula” to having that conversation, experts said that there are a few things one can keep in mind. 

The first step is finding the right setting and timing for the conversation, preferably with someone who is likely to be open-minded, supportive and willing to listen, said Mr Sam Roberts, founder and director of the Olive Branch Counselling, Psychology and Therapy Clinic. 

After finding a quiet and comfortable place where both parties can take their time to speak without interruptions, Dr Singham said that one should kick start the conversation by “honestly sharing how you have been feeling recently, and the impact it has been having on you”. 

It also okay to set your own boundaries and not share everything in one conversation — especially if it is the first time you are opening up, he added. 

One should also set clear expectations on what they are looking for when they share, be it advice, resources, or simply a listening ear, said Mr Roberts. 

This would help them figure out the best way to respond and help. 

HOW CAN I SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO CONFIDES IN ME?

As conversations about mental health become increasingly common, experts believe that it is crucial for society to know how to respond appropriately and supportively when friends and family open up about their struggles.

In TODAY’s conversations with youths trained in providing peer support, a common theme that surfaced is the understated impact one can have simply by “being there” — present and free of judgement. 

Mr Jedaiah Chen, the 27-year-old founder of mental health social enterprise I’m Friendly Co, said that while it is crucial for people to understand what mental health is and how it affects an individual, one need not have complete knowledge of it to support a friend in a bad place.

“Everyday people like you and I have the potential to help others,” he said. 

“For many people, they could potentially be standing at the pathway between life and death and we just don't know… You could be in the right position to make a huge difference in that person's life — that first touch point to getting people the help that they need.”

Here’s what mental health experts and advocates said we can do to support our loved ones: 

1. Acknowledge and validate their emotions

Mr Thomas Eyun, Clinical Director at Youthline, said that acknowledging a friend’s mental health condition and thanking them for their trust to share their problems is a good first step to take. 

“It is important to not pass comments such as ‘are you sure or not?’, or ‘just try to snap out of it”, or similar types of remarks as it may come off as hurtful, and make them feel like they are not being heard or taken seriously,” he said. 

People should also focus on listening to understand as opposed to figuring out how to best respond or give advice, said Ms Alyssa Reinoso, co-founder of social enterprise Calm Collective. 

Ms Sheryl Ho, a trained facilitator for the enterprise’s peer support programme Calm Circles, added: “Let them know that you believe their emotions are valid, which can be as simple as ‘this is a real challenge you’re facing — it’s difficult for anyone’. 

“This simple act of validation shows empathy and makes them feel heard and understood.”

One can validate any emotion, negative or positive, without agreeing with specific actions or behaviours, the 26-year-old added.

2. Ask questions with genuine empathy and curiosity, while respecting boundaries

Ms Ho and Ms Reinoso said that asking open-ended questions — like “what thoughts are coming up for you?” or “how did that make you feel?” — can help foster a sense of safety and control for the person opening up, as it allows them to guide the discussion at a pace they are comfortable with. 

A common misconception around providing support is that asking someone questions about difficult or sensitive topics should be avoided, said Ms Reinoso. 

She cited her own experience of dealing with grief after the passing of her late husband, in which people had tended to “skirt around the topic” as they feared it would trigger sad memories.

“Sometimes it would feel really invalidating if people pretended that everything was fine and nothing major just happened in my life,” she said. 

“It’s very possible that that friend is craving for a listening ear to vent their frustrations or feelings.” 

However, we should still respect their boundaries and not push for information that they are not ready to share, Ms Ho said. 

3. Ask how they’d like to be supported and check in with them when you can

Mental health experts and advocates agreed that each individual requires different forms of help for their struggles, and that it is okay to ask them for the ways in which they prefer you to support them. 

They added that while our instinctive response to hearing about their problems is to offer solutions, giving unsolicited advice may be counter-productive.

“Sometimes people just want to be heard, and sometimes they can even figure out their own solutions by talking things through. Advice-giving has the potential to curtail that process or even discourage someone from expressing their thoughts and feelings,” said Ms Reinoso. 

“Our experience of what worked for us might not work for them. However, this isn’t a rigid rule — if someone is seeking advice, then it’s okay to share it.”

But sometimes, people may not have the capacity to articulate what they may want or need during the conversation. 

Such was the case for Ms Arathi Devandran, 32, who went through a challenging time after being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022. 

In such instances, Ms Devandran believes that simple words and actions that show your care and concern “can never go wrong”.

“Even if that person doesn't want to communicate, something as simple as ‘hey, I'm thinking about you today,’ or ‘I'm available this week if you want to do something’ is fine as well,” she said.

“Just be patient and be compassionate, and keep trying... they will not forget that you tried.” 

Ultimately, what we can do best as a friend is to be there to listen and provide a space for them to feel supported or affirmed, said Ms Reinoso.

“While we probably won’t be able to solve their problems, peer support can help to challenge some of the assumptions one may have about feeling alone and unloved, or even give them the courage to seek further professional help.” 

Agreeing, Mr Eyun believes that while we can never truly comprehend how much pain or suffering our loved ones are going through, all we can do is to put on our “empathy hat”. 

“Often just your presence alone — the act of being there, with no words spoken — is all that is needed to soothe or bring a sense of calm and serenity to your friend.”

For 27-year-old David, he said he was glad that he opened up to his friends, as he knew he "could not have gone through it alone". 

"Even if for example I could tell they didn't know what to say, having them there made me feel like 'okay, I'm not alone', and I don't have to deal with it myself," he said.

"Having that sense of comfort that I don't have to hide anything from them was very important for me mentally in trying to get better."