Parent or pal: Why you should not try so hard to be your child's 'friend'

I have always been fascinated by how my aunt has a remarkably close relationship with her son.

Even when my cousin was overseas, she would call him almost every day. Across oceans, they shared updates on how life was going, celebrated milestones such as birthdays and even sent each other personalised care packages. 

When I asked how she built this bond, her advice was: "Be like a friend."

Her suggestion gave me pause. It ran counter to the traditional approaches of strict, structured parenting that was more familiar to me. 

Caught between these perspectives, I wondered: Is being like a friend truly the right approach, or does it risk creating confusion for the child? 

HELPING CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY RULES EXIST

When I posed to experts the notion of friendly parenting, they all cautioned about the importance of maintaining the parent role, but agreed that a friendly approach may have benefits.

Clinical psychologist Annabelle Chow, from mental healthcare provider Annabelle Psychology, said: "While it is important for parents to maintain appropriate boundaries, adopting a friendly stance can be highly beneficial. This means fostering a warm, supportive environment where children feel safe, respected and understood."

Counsellor Radhika Haralalka, from mental wellness and therapy centre The Other Clinic, said that "children have opinions and their opinions need to be valued".

"That's the shift from your traditional, strict parenting," she said. 

"(It means) I am taking into consideration my child's opinion, not necessarily fully following it, but it is a more collaborative approach, rather than a 'do as I say, or else' approach."

Positive "friendly parenting", the experts said, begins with active listening, consistent conversation and helping children understand why rules exist. 

Ms Haralalka stressed the importance of being someone children can talk to – someone who listens, validates and shows empathy.

Assistant Professor Cheung Hoi Shan from the National Institute of Education, who studies the effects of parenting styles on children, said that it also means explaining the rationale behind a parent's expectations.

For instance, when a child steps on the seats of an MRT train, the parent could explain that doing so would dirty the seat and inconvenience the next person who uses it. This is an example of "other-oriented induction", where the caregiver explains the impact that the child's behaviour has on others. 

Other suggestions include spending quality time together and involving children in age-appropriate problem-solving to help them feel empowered.

For instance, you may offer the child two choices to pick when it comes to doing household chores.

For older children, problem-solving tasks might include learning to divide up chores at home or guiding siblings to take turns explaining their side during a disagreement and encouraging them to suggest fair solutions.

Dr Chow said: "With appropriate boundaries, these behaviours strengthen trust, encourage emotional vulnerability and model mutual respect."

They also make children more likely to open up about their experiences.

"This means they feel safe to share information about their social lives and see parents as a trusted source of advice," Asst Prof Cheung said,

PARENTS AND THEIR FEARS

That said, the experts cautioned that there is a risk of becoming too friendly, blurring the boundaries of the parental role. As Asst Prof Cheung warned, "'friendly parenting' does not necessarily mean that we become a friend to our child."

She said: "The role of parents is inherently different from that of a friend, where there is a natural hierarchy because of the responsibility of care and protection that parents need to fulfil towards the child."

If parents fall too far into the friend zone, they may fail to assert their authority, she noted.

"It's important to recognise that being warm towards a child does not mean permissive parenting.

"Parents can be firm, but at the same time listen to the child's perspectives and help the child understand the rationale for setting the rules and expectations," she added.

Ms Haralalka said that parents can become too permissive if they fear upsetting their child or have a strong desire to be liked and feel constantly connected – a pattern especially common among divorced parents.

Dr Chow said that parents may also have a "personal discomfort" with setting limits and boundaries. In wanting to avoid conflict, it can prevent them from setting boundaries confidently.

This can result in overly friendly parenting, where the parent avoids imposing necessary discipline or expects responsibilities from the child beyond their developmental capacity.

This may even go as far as treating the child as a confidante, where these parents may "overshare about their own problems, about their lives, about everything from their friendship and workplace problems to their marriage to the dating life to the sex life", Ms Haralalka said.

There can be adverse consequences when this happens regularly.

Faced with what seems like a parent who is unable to regulate emotions, children may feel emotionally unanchored and see rules as optional, making it harder for them to develop emotional self-regulation.

THE BALANCING ACT

Having established the pros and cons of friendly parenting, I asked the experts how to apply these principles to more specific situations. After all, each child's needs are different.

"Parenting is the hardest job in the world," Ms Haralalka said. "The one tool parents can develop is the capacity to be reflective about their own parenting style, to regulate themselves emotionally and to be self-aware.

"That means asking if this (parenting) style is what my child needs – is this helping or harming my child?"

For example, reflection might reveal areas that have become too relaxed, such as bedtime routines, screen time or helping out with household chores.

In these cases, Dr Chow suggested that parents explain the reasoning behind the new boundaries and help the children understand that the boundaries come from a place of care, not control.

When asserting boundaries, it is possible to acknowledge the child's feelings without giving in to their demands.

To a child refusing to do their homework, Ms Haralalka proposed this response: "I know you don't want to do your homework and it's okay to feel upset about that. I'm here to help you manage your frustration but the homework still needs to be done. You can choose when to start, but it does have to get finished."

It is not enough to set such boundaries – they must be enforced consistently.

"Children may initially resist the new rules, but holding firm helps build a sense of predictability and emotional security," Dr Chow said.

Ms Haralalka said that the boundaries you set may also depend on the age and maturity level of the child, where you can still offer the child choices within the limits of those boundaries.

"For a young child, if you let them know what the plans are for the day, what you're going to do – it gives them that sense of control."

The approach can differ for teenagers, where it may be impractical to enforce blanket restrictions such as total phone bans.

"When it's a question of safety, children will comply more," Ms Haralalka said. For example, teenagers may be expected to stay contactable or let parents know where they are.

BEING INTERESTED IN YOUR CHILD'S INTERESTS

While these strategies may help establish healthy boundaries, I also wanted to know how a closer bond could be nurtured.

Dr Chow said the key to this is that parents should avoid dismissing their child's experiences as trivial.

“It's important to recognise that children are growing up in a society shaped by different pressures, social norms and the pervasive influence of social media. Parents should try approaching these differences with curiosity and empathy.”

Ms Haralalka advocated for "delighting in your child" – taking a genuine interest in their world and being willing to join them there.

"For a very young child, it can mean joining in a game of building blocks or building sandcastles, going cycling with them," she said. "As they grow, it may mean playing video games together and enjoying it as a way to connect."

Attunement comes from staying curious. "When you're attuned to your child, you know what they need and what their interests are," she added.

Dr Chow said that the generational gap between parent and child is not a single hurdle to overcome, but that it is an ongoing shift that requires flexibility and openness.

"By embracing this mindset, parents can foster emotional resilience, mutual respect and a strong meaningful connection with their children," she said. 

"This helps build a lifelong connection and a strong emotional bond that can last into adulthood."