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Commentary

Commentary: The problem with ‘common sense’ parent-child boundaries

Recent government guidelines on caregiving may be meant for professionals, but all parents should understand the importance of healthy boundaries, says clinical psychologist Shawn Ee.

Commentary: The problem with ‘common sense’ parent-child boundaries
Parenting is tricky, psychologically speaking: We are constantly judged by others, but also by our own selves. (Photo: iStock/Koh Sze Kiat)
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SINGAPORE: Never tell parents what to do, it just makes them defensive is what I tell every budding psychologist that comes under my supervision.

Some people were triggered by the Ministry of Social and Family Development’s (MSF) new guidelines on parental caregiving practices, which laid out boundaries in situations such as bathing a child of opposite gender. Surely this was “common sense knowledge” that the authorities should not need to describe? And could parents who meant no harm in making children hug extended family members really be considered abusive?

MSF subsequently clarified that the guidelines are intended for professionals who work directly with at-risk families that include children who have experienced or are at risk of abuse, neglect or harm. They are “not intended to be enforced or prescriptive” for all parents.

These new guidelines apply to a specific situation context, and a consideration of the seriousness when a child reports that they were forced to do something against their wishes.

That said, as a clinical psychologist and parent, conversations about boundaries are helpful as a common standard and language. 

GUIDING WITHOUT PUTTING PARENTS ON THE DEFENSIVE

Parenting is tricky, psychologically speaking: We are constantly judged by others, but also by our own selves. It’s one of the issues that comes up in my clinical experience: Parents struggle with the need to “get it right” and worry whether they have failed miserably.

I see many parents struggle often because they are guided by their own upbringing – following it without any knowledge of its psychological impact. Conversely, there are other parents who overcompensate by way of rejecting their own parents’ caregiving values perceived to be out of touch.

We need to be able to discern and be better informed on parenting practices, given the wealth of psychological research on healthy boundaries and emotional functioning.

The problem with “common sense” is that it is only common because we perceive many people to believe it. What a parent in Singapore believes to be common sense about exposure to nudity – another aspect in the guidelines – is different to a French parent sunbathing topless or a Japanese parent going to the onsen.

There exists a whole range of what is deemed to be acceptable (or unacceptable) parenting practices. It can depend on parent-child temperament, single-parent family situations, belief systems, mental health issues, to name a few.

Many parents go into the role uninformed for many reasons, and no two parents and families are alike. Helping parents get it “right” requires taking them out of the hotseat and into a reflective – instead of defensive – stance.

So how can we encourage parents to do this? By helping parents understand the reasons for their own parenting behaviours, instead of just telling them what to do.

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE IMPORTANT

Research consistently shows that children thrive when they have clear, consistent limits. Good boundaries with well-defined parameters give them a sense of security and help them understand how the world works. Think of boundaries as the edges of your child’s sandbox – they define the safe space where your child can play, explore and learn.

Recommendations such as not forcing hugs are more about teaching our children to listen to their own voice on consent, by way of us respecting their readiness to engage in the behaviour. Seemingly harmless behaviour could become harmful if children learn to comply under pressure despite their inner voice and sense of security, or worse, to performatively please the adult instead of understanding the value of the instruction.

Without healthy boundaries, children may have trouble understanding the consequences of their actions, leading to challenges in social interactions and emotional management, even potentially the ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

Research consistently shows that children thrive when they have clear, consistent limits. (Photo: iStock/FatCamera)

In general, we do not want to force or coerce children into doing anything that would cause undue distress. By shifting from obedience to understanding, collaboration and independence, we prepare children to navigate life with confidence, integrity, and empathy – not just to follow orders.

However, letting the issue go may feel like losing command and control as a parent. Sometimes, that can trigger an overly aggressive or fearful reaction, if parents see this as similar to their own history – reliving trauma with their parents but with their own children in the current day.  This vicious cycle of intergenerational trauma can start with an innocuous instruction that elicits an unintended reaction, leading to inadvertent and possibly horrific consequences like harsh punishment, shaming and abuse. 

Healthy boundaries are clear, respectful limits that protect both your child’s and your own emotional, physical and mental well-being while allowing for a meaningful and balanced relationship.

It can be harder for parents to change how they are currently treating their children because it involves a self-awareness that they had overreacted and displayed meanness, instead of the kindness that most parents aim for.

A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN

The onus is on parents to set appropriate boundaries and model the behaviour, because our children look at what we say and do to guide them.

An example in the broader parenting context could be for those looking to manage screen time for young ones: Define the limit (when the minute hand on the clock reaches this number) and the parent’s behaviour (I will switch off the TV). Articulating parameters well helps communicate expectations better, which helps the child appreciate how and when to behave. The key is staying consistent and maintaining a firm but fair approach.

Practising the basics of maintaining healthy boundaries can help parents better think on our feet for the more complex scenarios, especially ones in which parents must redefine and re-explain boundaries, such as appropriate/inappropriate touch, propriety and consent as their children get older.

Make it a habit to check-in with your children on their thoughts and feelings, so their behaviour is not always a focal point of contention.

Behind every behaviour lies a function – the why. Parenting is about uncovering that function to better understand what the parent or child is trying to say to each other and learning to understand the meaning of behaviours rather than fixate on behaviours.

If tensions run high at home, consider defusing the situation first, finding your calm, and thinking about the original intention of the instruction/gesture you’d like to communicate. Then try to approach it differently.

A good way to see it is that children are still learning and trying their level best to manage their underdeveloped emotions, tolerance of stress, listening skills, and their need to model these behaviours after yours.

Dr Shawn Ee is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist at The Psychology Practice, with close to 20 years’ experience in child and adolescent psychology.

Source: CNA/ch
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