I didn’t want to leave my job in Singapore. But my family needed me in Hong Kong

Work is work. Family is life. 

These words, sent to me in a simple yet poignant WhatsApp message, echoed in my head as I faced one of the toughest decisions of my life – staying in a job I loved or moving to a different country to be with my family.  

In late 2022, my wife accepted a senior role with a Western-based company. This was an important career move for her, but it required moving to Hong Kong.

After discussing it, we decided that I would stay in Singapore for the time being, to manage loose ends and explore options for keeping my job.

And so, our son, aged nine at the time, bravely made the move with her, leaving behind the comforting familiarity of Singapore for a new city thousands of kilometres away. 

Adjusting to a strange environment isn’t easy for anyone, but especially not for a kid joining a new school midway through the school year. 

He struggled at the start, and eventually began acting out in anger at my wife. This was very unlike him and we could only put it down to the stresses of being uprooted. 

My wife, already shouldering the stresses and burdens of balancing her new job, grew increasingly concerned.

To lighten her load, I made it a habit to check in on them two or three times a day via WhatsApp video calls.

Each morning, I’d be there as they got ready for school and work, a small part of their daily routine.

On weekends, they'd take me along virtually as they explored their new neighbourhood, excitedly sharing every new makan spot with food they thought I’d love, places we could visit together when I was in town.

To fill my absence, they even adopted a panda bear plush toy, placing it on the sofa while they watched TV, pretending it was me. At night, my son would take the panda to bed.

VISITING HONG KONG, VISITING SINGAPORE

I made my first visit to Hong Kong in January 2023. 

By this time, my family seemed well-adjusted, but I could sense my son’s loneliness. Back home, our door had always been open to his friends, who came and went freely. In Hong Kong, things were quieter.

But I saw something beautiful – a growing bond between my wife and son. Those first months without me gave them a chance to connect in ways I hadn’t seen before. They were discovering how alike they truly are, and how much they enjoy each other’s company. 

It was a small but comforting gift amid the turmoil of change.

At the end of January, my wife and son came back to Singapore for the Chinese New Year break, after which I flew back to Hong Kong with my son for another visit. 

On the day of our flight to Hong Kong, he spent most of the day playing with his buddies from the block. Then, as he was getting ready to leave for the airport, he broke down in tears. 

Over and over, he asked why he had to go back. He begged and pleaded to stay.

I wanted to be sympathetic, but my first instinct was to take the emotion out of it, to be an immovable wall against his acting-out. It might not have been the best approach, but in the moment, I needed him to accept the reality of the situation.

Once he was all teared out, he calmed down and accepted things. 

A HARD CHOICE

By February 2023, it became clear that my family needed more from me than just occasional visits. All of us taking turns to shuttle between Singapore and Hong Kong wasn’t sustainable. 

At the same time, walking away from a job in journalism where I’d spent more than two decades of my time and still enjoyed would be incredibly difficult, especially when I felt that I still had much to contribute. 

This was when I received that message, from a former colleague:

"Work is work. Family is life.”   

That put everything into focus. I had to prioritise my family’s well-being and fully commit to our new life in Hong Kong. It wasn’t just the right choice – it was the only choice.

All the same, I hesitated for a long time before handing in my resignation. 

The thought of being without a job sent me into a spiral of uncertainty. That kind of vulnerability is unsettling, especially when you’re nearing 50. At that age, re-entering the workforce isn’t easy.

My industry wasn’t exactly booming – it was and still is volatile and unpredictable. Leaving felt like giving up an exclusive membership, one that people spend entire careers trying to secure.

But eventually, I realised that my uncertainty wasn’t about whether my decision was right or wrong. It was just human nature. We cling to stability and familiarity, especially when the future feels unknown.

HOME IN HONG KONG 

I officially moved to Hong Kong in April 2023. 

Right away, I made sure to spend more time with my son. After school, we’d explore our neighbourhood, occasionally treating ourselves to iced milk tea and our favourite egg tart from our favourite cafe, the colloquial cha chaan teng. 

I took him swimming. We played basketball at the neighbourhood courts, and kicked a football around. I was his “playdate” until he was able to make new friends. 

He fractured his ankle in school later that month and was unable to play rugby and swim. Instead, we’d go on mini adventures, jumping on different buses and trains and exploring the city. We even discovered a really good spot for mango lassi over in Tsim Sha Tsui in Kowloon. Simple pleasures, but they brought him great joy. 

My wife and I started taking long walks in the evenings and on Saturday mornings, during which she could talk about her day and what she was going through in her own adjustment to Hong Kong and her new company. 

EVOLVING ROLE OF FATHERS

Today, our son is thriving. He is 11 years old, playing first-team rugby for a club and he is on his school’s swim team.

He has also developed a healthy social network in Hong Kong that includes friends from school, church and neighbours. 

My wife continues to excel professionally in her current role. 

On the occasion when she finds my mind drifting to my professional past, she quietly reminds me that the stability I was able to provide during this transition made all the difference for our family. 

I still think often about the choice I made. Except now, any traces of uncertainty have gone. While leaving my job was challenging, it was absolutely necessary for my family’s welfare. 

In his maiden National Day Rally speech in August, Prime Minister Lawrence Wong spoke about the evolving role of fathers and the family unit. 

He said: “Some of us still believe that fathers should be the exclusive breadwinners, and mothers the main caregivers. That has to change.” 

His words remind us that fathers, too, have a responsibility to care for the emotional health of their families, rather than just financial or physical, and they should be offered the space to prioritise their families when necessary. 

After all, work is work. Family is life.

Luke Pachymuthu is a former journalist now living in Hong Kong with his family.

If you have an experience to share or know someone who wishes to contribute to this series, write to voices [at] mediacorp.com.sg with your full name, address and phone number.