My husband's brush with the law is a chance to teach our kids about rehabilitation
When a parent has served time in prison, getting their life back on track includes navigating just how much to tell their kids. Mum-of-two Jillian Lim shares why she chose honesty.
The writer, Ms Jillian Lim with her husband Kenneth Christopher "KC" Meals and their two daughters. (Photo: Jillian Lim)
This audio is generated by an AI tool.
One day, my eldest daughter came home from kindergarten and, bouncing up and down with excitement, said to me: "Mum! Did you know on Thursday we have careers day and a real-life policeman is coming to school! Is he the one that caught Dad?"
We've seen it in television shows and movies: A young child being told that their parent is "out of the country" or "away on business" when, really, they're serving time in prison.
Seeing such scenes on a screen, I always thought it was corny – but I never thought it would happen to me.
WHEN A PARTNER HAS DONE TIME
When other couples prepare to have kids, they may ask themselves certain questions, such as: "Should one of us stay home to be a full-time parent?" or "What kinds of beliefs and values do we want to teach our kids?"
For my husband and me, there was one more consideration, one that many other couples in our circles didn't have to confront: "Do we tell our children their dad has been to jail?"
It's not a secret, exactly. In the late 2000s and early 2010s, my husband, KC, was a fixture in the local rock music scene as the frontman of the post-hardcore band Caracal. He spent his twenties living up to the cliched "rockstar" image – late nights, partying and, of course, binge drinking.
Later, when gentlemen's haircuts started becoming a fad, he caught the wave very early on and opened one of the first upscale barbershops. It still exists as Grease Monkey Barber Garage.
He spent his days barbering, and his nights and weekends playing music on stage. He was constantly doing events and pop-ups to market himself.
It became part of his regular routine each night to make the rounds at bars to network and gain clients. He had friends at all the trendiest bars at the time – 24 Hong Kong Street, Employees Only, Life is Beautiful.
It allowed him to make a ton of good connections that led to a lot of good business. But it also meant that he was drinking heavily every night.
He was doing well, until of course he wasn’t.
The pressures of juggling a band and a new business coupled with phasing out of his early twenties into real adult life began to weigh more and more heavily on KC.
The successes only fuelled his drinking, which eventually became a capital "P" problem. It got to a point where he could find temporary relief only at the bottom of a bottle.
One night, while drunk, he found himself in a situation which unfortunately led him to assault a police officer. Off he went to jail for a month.
I never told my parents about it. It wasn't about any stigma to do with rock music and nightlife – I wasn't sure they would be willing or able to understand my then-boyfriend's mental health struggles that led to his drinking and subsequent brush with the law.
"IF YOU DON'T LISTEN, THE POLICE WILL CATCH YOU"
In 2021, The Esplanade approached my husband about featuring him as part of a four-part series called Not Safe for TV. They wanted to document his journey – his rise and fall, and everything in between.
I was immediately supportive. I thought it was important and useful for my husband to tell people about the less shiny aspect of being in the spotlight and the dangers and risks of heavy drinking. I also thought it would be good for him to talk about how positive change can and often does happen as a result of serving jail time.
That being said, the video – which was published for public viewing, of course – led to my parents finding out about his stint in the slammer.
The thing is, even without me officially saying: "Hey Mum and Dad, my boyfriend went to jail!", I'm sure they already knew about it, as parents always do.
The video came out. My parents never said anything negative to me about it. Life went on, and I appreciated that.
Their acceptance made the burden somewhat lighter.
To me, it was a clear signal that they understood that KC had changed – and he really has.
He's learnt that being a "rock star" doesn't mean being an alcoholic or acting out all the time. He has also been sober for over a decade now. If it took going to jail to get that result, well, to quote the popular meme, 10 out of 10 would highly recommend a stay.
When the feature was filmed, my eldest daughter Lily made an appearance in the video. That was the first time she heard anyone talk about her father's past, but she was only about a year old and far too young to understand it.
The older she got, the more questions she had – and, despite her young age, we did our best to answer them all.
"Did Dad wear stripes in jail?" she asked. "No, not all prison uniforms are the same."
"Did he steal?" was another question. "No, there are other kinds of crimes. He beat a police officer, which is a bad thing to do."
"Did they have cake in jail?" she wondered. "I don't think so, it's not a nice place to be."
The more she understood, the more we felt comfortable about referencing KC's past more often, in light-hearted ways. For instance, when she didn't want to sit still in her car seat, we would say: "If you don't listen, the police are going to catch you like they caught Daddy."
Some may have concerns or issues with us being so open and honest with our child. But now, at the age of five, she already understands that going to jail or not is a choice that is fully within a person's control.
She gets that, depending on the crime, some people have to spend some time in prison in order to keep everyone safe. She is also aware that while making a mistake can land you in jail, it doesn't always make you a bad person.
She doesn't see her father's past as something to hide or be ashamed of. This alone makes me proud; it makes me feel like we are parenting well.
SHOULD WE ALWAYS BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH OUR KIDS?
Would I be this open and honest with my daughter if her father's crime had been more severe?
Possibly not – but I would still want to find a way to tell her (and now, her younger sister) the truth. That would have happened when she's older and more able to understand difficult situations, in an age-appropriate manner.
I've seen how some other friends have made youthful indiscretions that led to them serving brief stints in prison too. They've since gone on to live fulfilled, accomplished lives, becoming vets and teachers, getting married, having kids and so on.
They're good people who are trying their best to take care of their loved ones and contribute to society – but many of them still feel like they have to hide their pasts from family, friends and prospective employers.
While I see the importance of teaching children the dangers of breaking the law, I think it's also my duty as a parent to help my kids understand rehabilitation.
But lately, I've been coming to grips with how the impact of this can often extend beyond our own relationship with our daughters.
Recently, Lily and I were walking to lunch with another mother-and-child duo. A police car happened to drive by.
Lily turned to her friend and said: "Hey, did you know my dad kicked a policeman and went to jail?"
The two children immediately giggled about it – but the other child's mother quickly jumped in to change the subject.
In that moment, I felt a little guilty. I could tell the other parent was both uncomfortable and annoyed that she would later have to have a conversation with her own child about why Lily's father went to jail. Not every parent is ready or willing to explain something this heavy and complicated to their own young child.
I sometimes worry about how this will continue to affect my girls in the next few years, especially when they get to primary school.
Will they have to deal with stigma and judgment arising from tired old stereotypes? Will their classmates sneer at their father's many tattoos, or ask them if he's a gangster? Will any of the other parents object to their kids playing with mine?
The truth is, I don't know. The best I can do as a parent is to stand by my choice to be open, and be as honest and straightforward with my kids as I can be.
When all's said and done, this is what I hope they inherit from my choice: not a fear of shame or embarrassment, but the maturity and understanding to be non-judgmental towards mistakes and shortcomings, both their own and those of others.
Jillian Lim is a mother to two girls and one Singapore Special. She has nearly two decades of experience in broadcasting, and is now pursuing a degree in business marketing.Â
If you have an experience to share or know someone who wishes to contribute to this series, write to voices [at] mediacorp.com.sg (voices[at]mediacorp[dot]com[dot]sg) with your full name, address and phone number.
