PSLE isn't just my child's exam – it's a parenting test for me too

Watching my oldest child hunched over a timed practice paper at the dining table, I remembered his very first spelling test in kindergarten.

That was the first of several little milestones that have brought us to this point today: In a few short weeks, he will sit his first national examination, the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE).

Nothing has prepared me for this. And yet, everything has, in a way.

His first day of primary school, the weighted assessments in Primary 3, the near-miss of failing a test for the first time, even as he rushes to complete his preparations for the PSLE now – all these memories keep coming to mind.

Years ago, as an idealistic new mum of toddlers, the spectre of the PSLE had already begun to loom large. Friends and extended family with older children had warned us that the PSLE would be all-consuming, given how defining the results would be for our children.

I swore to myself that when the time came, we wouldn't get sucked into the black hole of intense exam prep and stress.

Instead, I envisioned myself celebrating my oldest child's PSLE with him as a milestone like any other. Just as we shared joy and happiness over his first steps and his first words, we would do the same about his first national exam, regardless of the outcome.

And so, in the run-up to my oldest son's PSLE, we agreed not to unduly stress each other out but to face it together, as we had always done.

The PSLE is shaping up to be a test for me, too, as a parent. Would it shake up my stubbornly held ideals of success as being more than just a perfect academic score card and achievement medals?

Would I cave under the pressure and fixate on my son's grades in pursuit of a "good school" so that he would be well-placed to take the next step in the system?

RUNNING HIS OWN RACE

One of the hardest parts of this PSLE journey has been learning to focus on where he is right now, and what he needs to do to reach his goals.

The chatter is real, especially on social media forums like Facebook, which enables comparisons among people we don't even know.

Parents often ask each other questions about how to improve their child's grades, look for recommendations for tuition centres, or discuss the Direct School Admissions (DSA) exercise.

And all this, while well-meaning, can lead to intense comparisons and pressure. The DSA process, in particular, can feel especially toxic, with biased coaches or unhappy parents making everything a lot more complicated than it has to be.

The conversations always sound like this:

"Why isn't my child scoring a single-digit AL (Achievement Level) now when everyone else seems to be there now?"

"I heard that so-and-so's son got to the second round of interviews. How is that possible, when my own son didn't make it?"

Reading such posts always sends me into a spiral of worry, because I can't help but make those mental comparisons. What makes it worse is that many of these posts are made anonymously. It's nuts to get stressed out comparing yourself to people you don't even know.

I also see how damaging the comparison mindset can be when it seeps into my son. When he comes home saying, "Mum, the average grade for the latest Science timed practice is AL3, but I only got AL5, I'm cooked", it really drives home how harmful comparisons are.

Before the PSLE, I remind my son to leave comparisons behind and focus on his goals for each practice. If he scored AL4 previously, he should aim for AL3 or better next, regardless of his classmates' scores.

I tell him that he's running his own race, at his own pace. He's already done the work, so whatever will be, will be. Although he understands this, he finds it hard to stop comparing himself to others.

"It's all everyone is talking about, mum," he said. But he tries, and when I tell him not to worry about how everyone's doing, he feels relieved.

REMEMBERING THE BIG PICTURE

"Options are always good to have", is what I was always told as a child, and what I tell my children now.

And yet, is it worth it?

Nine-hour school days are already exhausting. So, maybe, just maybe, it's simply enough for him to sit the PSLE and see where his results take him.

After all, secondary school is merely a stepping stone to taking the O-Level exam, which will be replaced by the Singapore-Cambridge Secondary Education Certificate (SEC) exam starting from 2027. Passing the exam will then pave the way to tertiary education.

His PSLE results will determine which secondary school he attends, not whether he gets to attend one at all. And wherever he goes, he’ll still sit his SEC exam in Secondary 4.

We've been conditioned to aim as high as we can for so long that I've taken it as the norm. But at what cost?

Burning our 12-year-olds out with endless tuition classes. Getting them to study late into the night after a long day of school. Stressing them out over being a few marks short of their target grade, harping on how it's such a waste and how they must do better at the next practice.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and the PSLE is just the first major milestone of many. And at 12, there are so many other aspects of our child's life we should celebrate.

And a good life is more than just landing a cushy job that pays a high salary. Family, health, happiness, hobbies and friends – being able to enjoy all these is part of a good life, too.  

It's something we adults often realise in hindsight, but too easily forget in our pursuit of perfect exam scores for our children.

SAVOURING THE LITTLE EVERYDAY JOYS

Zooming out helps calibrate expectations, while zooming in on daily details helps me manage our emotions. We follow a daily routine to keep stress at bay for both of us.

When I pick my son up from school, I always ask him what good things happened in his day. He has recently told me, "I scored a goal at recess football", and that during physical education class, they learnt how to dance to Golden, the hit song from the animated movie KPop Demon Hunters.

We discuss our plans on what to do after returning home: My son wants to eat his favourite snack, read comics, play the piano, play frisbee or tennis, or learn a language on the Duolingo app.

I enjoy working out at the gym or pool, or at home with resistance bands and dumbbells, and I also make decaf coffee.

We've learnt to really focus on the little joys in our lives, on things, people, moments and activities that make us happy.

It’s funny how my son is sitting the PSLE, but here I am, as his mum and a first-time PSLE parent, feeling the ambient heat and trying to navigate this season with grace and wisdom, too.

And what a lesson in perspective, priorities and well-being the journey has been for this first-time PSLE mum so far.  

Kelly Ang is a mother of five and a freelance writer.