What is 'stress spillover' and how does it affect your love life?

Picture this: You're in a car with your significant other after a long day at the office for both and all you've talked about since dinner is your partner's problems at work. 

It’s not that you don't care. You do. 

But by the third rehash, everything starts to grate and you think to yourself: "Can we just talk about something else? I'm starting to hate your job." 

During our busiest work seasons, this is definitely a scene right out of my relationship. And from conversations with friends, it seems I'm not alone.

When I'm racing to finish a long news feature or during periods such as the General Election, my world shrinks to work. 

My boyfriend, who works at a startup, knows the same tunnel vision well, especially with his long hours, late-night launches, and being on standby for emergencies.

In some ways, I've felt lucky that we're both busy because there's less guilt about postponed dinners or cancelled plans. 

But it's not just a matter of lacking time for non-work matters. 

In conversations with peers, I've heard how a partner's job can also spark tension because no one wants to see their partner suffer in a work environment that seems to treat them poorly.

Relationship counsellors I spoke to said that frustrations over a partner's working life are common, especially in Singapore, where dual-income households are the norm. 

Mr Thomas Tsang, a counsellor at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, said that many people here work long hours, which can exhaust couples and leave them with less emotional energy for each other. 

"Most couples I work with are working couples, which reflects a common norm in Singapore's affluent society. As such, relationship conflicts often revolve around work-related factors such as finances, material expectations, quality of living and perceived status." 

Dissatisfaction and demands arising from work-related stress are "rarely linear or simplistic", he added, but these can intersect with various issues such as unequal earning power or longer hours for one party due to higher rank or demands at work. 

So what do you do when you want to respect your partner's career and ambition, but start resenting what their job seems to take from the relationship?

HOW WORK SHOWS UP IN RELATIONSHIPS 

Work is one of the most common sources of relationship conflict, given how it touches almost every dimension of a couple's life together, one psychologist said. 

Ms Ooi Sze Jin, a registered psychologist and founder of A Kind Place, also said that for younger couples planning a future, work can show up in conflicts over financial expectations tied to earning power and spending habits. Or they may crop up as misaligned timelines for milestones such as housing, marriage and children, she added.

Some couples might even feel like they are getting "secondhand stress" from their partner's work situation, especially when partners have different work demands. 

"One might work nine to five, another might do overtime or shift work. The one who works more gets home tired and carrying stress, and their partners become the default 'outlet' (for them to vent their frustrations). 

"This happens because their partner is the person they see most, there's an expectation of unconditional emotional support, and it feels 'safe' to unload at home," Ms Ooi said. 

Over time, this can become a toxic dynamic because the receiving partner may experience "compassion fatigue", start to dread conversations with their partner, feel exhausted being around them or even withdraw emotionally to protect themselves, she cautioned. 

For couples without children, work naturally becomes the top driver of fights because they spend at least half of their waking hours on work. Mrs Qi Zhai-McCartney, the founder of Atlas Therapy & Coaching, said that this is especially when many people in Singapore work more than eight hours a day.

Upon returning home after a stressful day at work, some people may also be unwittingly sucked into roles for which they are ill-equipped. 

For example, a partner may be expected to play therapist, listening to their loved one's annoyance or anxieties about work, be an administrative assistant managing the household tasks, and even a career coach that helps to problem-solve, strategise or even execute certain work tasks for the other partner.

Unaddressed, this dynamic can easily burn out the “supportive partner” and also create an unhealthy pattern of co-dependence for the "needy partner", who will not learn to fully self-regulate, Mrs Zhai-McCartney added.

"It can create resentment, emotional distance, reduced attraction and blur the lines between office and the safety or comforts of home."

IS IT YOU OR THE JOB?

How can you tell, then, whether the problem is really about your partner's job, or something deeper in the relationship? 

Will conflict really go away if the partner drops the so-called problematic job?

Mrs Zhai-McCartney said that most irritations among couples stem from both the work and underlying unmet needs in the relationship.

"Work is the kindling that lights the fire, but the logs that fuel the fire have long been piling up."

Some "proxy fights" that may not be about work explicitly, but are job-related.

They can be arguments about lack of quality time due to late nights, working on weekends or one person being "mentally checked out" by answering work emails while spending time with the partner.

Our moods are often linked to how the work day went, Mrs Zhai-McCartney said, and we may thus be more irritable, emotionally numb or less patient when we return home to our partners – a phenomenon called "stress spillover". 

"While the surface issues may look like it’s about unpredictable schedules, domestic chores overload, or different spending power, the deeper meanings underneath might really be: 'I miss you. I miss us. I feel lonely' or 'Are our values and roles in life incompatible? I didn’t sign up to be your maid, driver or assistant. I also have a career or passions of my own'."

Ms Ooi the psychologist agreed that in most cases, there is a deeper unmet need when it comes to complaints about a partner's job. 

For example, frustration about your partner not getting a promotion or not working hard enough may point to a need for financial security, stability or admiration for your partner. 

Frustration over long hours or time spent with colleagues may instead reflect a need for connection, reassurance or emotional security within the relationship.

That being said, Ms Ooi added that some jobs may be "structurally incompatible" with relationship success, for example, auditors during peak season may spend only four to five hours at home daily for extended periods. 

Jobs with extreme hours, unpredictable schedules or high emotional demands likely leave little room for relationship investment.

Mr Tsang the counsellor said that discerning whether irritation is genuinely about a partner's job or deeper unmet needs requires patience and examining what is really triggering the irritation. 

If irritation intensifies when a partner feels unseen, unsupported or alone, the job is likely the context rather than the core issue itself. 

"There are situations, however, where the job itself may be the root issue. This is often related to the toxicity of the working environment, including problematic interpersonal dynamics or unhealthy physical surroundings," Mr Tsang added.

HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND LOVE 

Once couples figure out whether resentment is rooted in unmet needs or genuine work incompatibility, the next challenge is learning how to manage the situation and hold a fruitful conversation about it.   

For marriages that last, longitudinal research on these unions shows that they tend to involve less criticism and blame during conflict, Mrs Zhai-McCartney said.

One way to do this is to clearly name a feeling, describe the situation, and make a kind and clear request. 

For example: “I feel rejected when you come home after work and don’t greet me but just tap away at your phone. I need you to put your phone down for 20 minutes after work so that we can catch up a bit about our days before you return to work tasks."

Ms Ooi said that self-reflection is key to understanding how to move forward. 

For the person with the so-called problematic job, this may involve taking a hard look at whether their actions at work align with the values they say they hold.

"When someone consistently prioritises work above all else, their lived values are career and finance, regardless of what they say. Saying 'family comes first' while working 80-hour weeks is a form of denial." 

For the party feeling resentment about a partner's job, Ms Ooi suggested thinking about what specifically bothers them, what "balance" in the relationship might look like, and whether what they are asking for is realistic and fair before raising the issue. 

She added that defensiveness can be lowered by starting with appreciation rather than criticism, and by making requests instead of demands, such as acknowledging a partner’s effort at work before asking to spend more evenings together. 

However, what if partners are not on the same page? What if someone loves their job, while their partner feels that the job is harming the relationship? 

The experts said that giving an ultimatum for the person to quit his or her job is rarely a good place to start. 

Mr Tsang said that these situations do not have a one-size-fits-all solution, and a healthy response requires both self-respect and relational responsibility. 

By clarifying mismatched expectations around presence and ambition, couples can explore creative solutions around boundaries, schedules and renegotiated roles, rather than framing the issue as an all-or-nothing choice, he added. 

While honesty about what is non-negotiable is essential, Mr Tsang encouraged couples to look at the situation as an "ongoing negotiation rather than a frozen standoff". 

For example, the partner must be willing to protect the relationship from job spillover, while the other partner needs to recognise that love does not necessarily mean prioritising the relationship above all else at all times. 

"Disagreement is not inherently problematic; unresolved value conflict is," he highlighted.

Even if a job is unchangeable or difficult, Mrs Zhai-McCartney from Atlas Therapy & Coaching said it is important that a couple feels like a team. 

"That means learning to view your conflicts as, 'It’s not you versus me, it’s us versus the stress'."