After helping his invalid wife breastfeed for 6 months, this new dad has fresh appreciation for mums

Breastfeeding is one of those rites of passage that new mothers often talk about when they get together.

Most mothers have a horror story, or a funny anecdote (usually in retrospect), to share about the sleepless nights, the brain fog that makes doing ordinary tasks challenging, the spilt milk, as well as the creative ways to use their “precious produce” once it is past its best-by date.

Having breastfed both my children, I am all too familiar with the exhaustion, tedium but also unbridled joy of this “endurance sport”. 

Although breastfeeding is a topic that can easily get most mothers talking, I have never had a memorable conversation about breastfeeding with a father, because most of the men seem to have an oversimplified and romanticised view of it.

That was until I met Mr Delon Chen. 

The 32-year-old business analyst became directly involved in every single breastfeed for his one child after his wife Elaine Yip, who is the same age, suffered a slipped disc.

The condition, where a spinal disc bulges out and presses on nearby nerves, caused sharp shooting pains down her spine with even the smallest movement. 

She underwent surgery in November last year to remove parts of the disc in the lower spine and relieve pressure on the nerves.

During the six-month recovery period, Mr Chen stayed up with her to help breastfeed their then three-month-old daughter Chloe.

“I didn’t even know day from night," Mr Chen said to CNA TODAY in September. "There are days when I realised, oh, it’s morning already, ah? ... I just need to drink another cup of coffee.” 

His words sounded exactly like what I have heard from many female friends or colleagues, but never from a man. 

In August this year, after being nominated by his own wife, Mr Chen beat 12 other nominees to win the Most Supportive Husband Award 2024 given out by the Breastfeeding Mothers’ Support Group. He walked away with an award, certificate and shopping voucher.

The Breastfeeding Mothers’ Support Group is Singapore's only charity with a focus on breastfeeding and it was set up in the 1970s.

AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

Mr Chen recalled how his “breastfeeding journey” began the moment his wife was wheeled out of the operating room after her spinal surgery. 

Madam Yip, who was a hospice nurse then, suffered an excruciating slipped disc as a result of old sporting and work-related injuries, about a month after giving birth to her child.

She could not get out of bed and could not even sit up without writhing in pain. 

At the advice of her doctor, she opted for surgery to deal with the problem. 

The new mum said that she was “more stressed about how the surgery will affect breastfeeding than the surgery itself" and lamented the loss of the bonding with her newborn that comes with the act of breastfeeding. 

“I was also anxious about my breasts becoming engorged after surgery. Before that, I was latching my baby every two hours and I was a super 'oversupply mum',” Mdm Yip added.

Breast engorgement is the painful swelling of breasts due to an excess buildup of milk that is not expressed. It sometimes leads to a breast infection known as mastitis.

Despite her fragile state, Mdm Yip was determined to continue breastfeeding and her husband promised that he would support her however he could.  

That was how Mr Chen found himself at a hospital bed trying to drain breast milk from his semi-conscious wife immediately after she was wheeled out of the operating theatre some four hours after she was prepped for surgery.

“I could still see the patient-transfer board dripping with her blood,” he recalled with clear emotion. 

Mr Chen said he quickly realised that the breast pump did not work because his wife was lying supine.

“The nurse was staring at me and I was panicking,” he recounted.

Undeterred, he frantically began to express his wife’s milk with his hands.

“The whole bed was wet with breast milk. I had to tell the nurse to change the bedsheet,” he said, finding the moment amusing now. 

After she was discharged from hospital, Mdm Yip continued to pump her breast milk although she could not feed any of it to her baby.

She was on strong painkillers after surgery, so the couple were concerned about the medication seeping into the milk that Chloe would drink.

Mdm Yip, with the help of her husband, "pumped and dumped" the milk to ensure that she continued to produce a supply later down the line.

“I put the milk into Chloe’s bathtub,” she added.  

As for Mr Chen, he bottle-fed Chloe from his wife's stash of frozen breast milk.

One-and-a-half weeks after her surgery, despite still being in pain, his wife switched to milder baby-safe painkillers to resume breastfeeding. 

Mr Chen sacrificed sleep to become her co-pilot at each feed.  

Because Mdm Yip could not lift the baby, she was able to do just side-latching. 

Mr Chen would hand her the baby and help to stuff pillows around her to support the baby. He would wait for her to finish the feeds and then put the baby back into the cot.

Feeds were once every two to three hours and Mr Chen found that he was unable to go back to sleep in between feeds.  

"THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN A MARRIAGE"

The couple chose not to hire a domestic worker so Mr Chen was also caring for Chloe throughout the day.

Still recovering from surgery, Mdm Yip had problems carrying out other tasks such as changing diapers and putting the baby to sleep. 

Once he had exhausted his paternity leave, Mr Chen tried to apply for two months of no-pay leave. However, his boss persuaded him to work from home during that period instead. 

Mr Chen admitted that there were times when the prolonged sleep deprivation took a toll and he turned to coffee to get him through work and round-the-clock childcare. 

“Sometimes when I had meetings, the baby would cry. I had to whisper in my meeting, pause the meeting, postpone the meeting or apologise,” he said, adding that thankfully, his boss and colleagues were very understanding.

He also remembered how Chloe would sometimes scream uncontrollably, as infants do sometimes, leaving him and his wife at a loss as to what to do.

It fell mainly on him to carry their daughter until she calmed down.

"There were moments when I really couldn’t take it. I asked Elaine if there was something else I could do? I could wash the whole house (if it would help),” he said of his desperation to find a way to calm his daughter down. 

Looking back, despite the sleepless nights and rough days, Mr Chen said that he was glad to have been his wife's breastfeeding tag-team partner. 

“To me, that is the way it’s supposed to be in a marriage. I have always felt that I'm supposed to be in my wife's full life journey except when she tells me she wants alone-time or wants to achieve something alone.” 

He also said that the experience has made him reflect on the meaning of fatherhood and has moulded him into the kind of man he wants to be for his daughter and the kind of involvement he wants to have in parenting his daughter.

Mr Chen, who generally enjoys more quiet activities such as gardening, trekking and keeping fish, said: “Fatherhood has made me more emotional. I think it’s needed. If you want to love a baby, you need to love very loud.”

His own father, he added, died in a car accident before he was born and he never had a father figure in his life. He spent his childhood in his grandparents’ home before moving back to live with his mother and two siblings at the age of 16.

“Being a father figure has always been my dream," Mr Chen said. "I think I’m just trying to be what I always imagined a father would be like.”

Looking ahead, he is hoping to be a “very supportive” father in helping Chloe fulfil her dreams. 

“Even if it’s something that goes against the norm such as being a musician or being in a band, I'll try to do it. I want to be a friend she can debate with before making decisions. And if she fails, I want to be there to comfort her.”

Mdm Yip, who switched jobs to be a nurse educator after her injury, has since recovered and is now able to carry Chloe around independently. 

She is still breastfeeding Chloe every night and during weekends. She supplements this by bottle-feeding Chloe fresh milk.

The couple continue to equally share childcare and household duties.

Because of the strong early bonding, Mr Chen still instinctively picks up Chloe when she needs to be soothed, Mdm Yip noted.

Mr Chen said that before picking up his daughter, he does take a slight pause to try and engage with her to gain an “insight into her world” to better understand her needs. 

UNDERSTANDING HOW BREASTFEEDING AFFECTS A WOMAN

His unexpected full-on experience in helping his wife with breastfeeding has made Mr Chen more appreciative of mothers.

“If I think back, I had this experience with my sister who was then breastfeeding. One day, she broke down in a restaurant. She was upset about all the changes she experienced as a mother – how she lost confidence and how her body had changed. At that moment, I didn’t know what to say."

Now, Mr Chen would not be lost for words and he has found greater appreciation for the sacrifices that women make when breastfeeding. 

“When mothers breastfeed, they don’t think about how much they have sacrificed to do it. They don’t debate how much they trade in. Even if it's very painful, they just want to give the best to their baby," he said.

“To me, that’s one of the most beautiful things that a human can give. That is what pure love and pure kindness look like.

“After going through this, if I could go back in time, I would tell my sister that she’s prettier and more wonderful than before."

Where to get help:

• Breastfeeding Mothers’ Support Group: 6339 3558