Commentary: Working mum burnout - ‘lower your expectations’ need not be a dirty phrase
More than half of our university graduates are women and yet, instead of a greater number becoming CEOs, those who have children are likely to tap out and become drill sergeants at home. It doesn't have to be so binary, says CNA's Crispina Robert.
SINGAPORE: When I first met the CEO of the Singapore Council of Women's Organisations (SCWO), Koh Yan Ping, she seemed to be quite the “put together boss” - you know the kind who looks great and is meticulously prepared to do her job.
Until she casually mentions that she has three children, all under the age of 16 and no domestic helper. “What? You do the laundry and wash the dishes?” I couldn’t help but blurt out.
Of course, it isn’t unheard of for working mothers to decide against having a domestic helper.
But raising children and managing people at work is like carrying two pails filled to the brim with water and trying to keep it from sloshing out with every step we take. Having someone help take care of the little things (which always add up – like laundry, dishes or enrichment classes) does make it easier.
So naturally, I had to ask her, “How do you do it?” Her answer was genuine but predictable: A very hands-on spouse who jumps in and helps whenever she can’t. They work like a tightly wound unit with a single purpose – to help each other.
Yet I can’t help but wonder if that’s the easy answer. Why is it then that women are the ones who leave the workforce when they come to this fork in the road?
SACRIFICING CAREER FOR FAMILY?
The data tells us a clear story. According to SingStat, the overall female labour force participation rate was 63.4 per cent in 2022, compared with 77 per cent for men.
But look more closely and see how the gap changes. Between the ages of 25 to 29, women participated just slightly more than men in the same age group, at 91.1 per cent compared with 87.5 per cent respectively.
Here’s the rub: This number dips for women in their 30s (90 per cent), but increases for men (97.6 per cent). By their late 40s, 82.7 per cent of women work compared with 96.1 per cent of their male counterparts.
This is something Ms Koh hears all the time, she told me in CNA's Work It podcast limited series, The Leader’s Chair.
“There are a lot of examples of women who had to, in a way, ‘sacrifice’ their career development because of family. There have been too many stories I’ve heard, too many friends I know who had to give up their career,’’ she said.
And when the two meet at an inflection point, women choose to pick up the caregiving. She put it down to expectations women have of themselves, a way of thinking that is so entrenched they sometimes don’t even realise it.
This is why mothers are the first ones teachers call when their kids are sick or in trouble, said Ms Koh. They are the ones who run to the doctor or wake up early to make sandwiches.
MAKING THINGS HARD FOR OURSELVES
It must be more complicated than just how we think of ourselves. I am one of those mums who quit my job to take on part-time work so I could care for my boys when they were younger.
My ex-boss told me it was a “waste” given how far I had come in my career and how my decision would set me back. But for me, it made sense: I made less than my husband, my skills were more suited to part-time work and more importantly (sorry not sorry), I did make better sandwiches.
But such practical reasoning can hurt women. One mother of three told me she takes on more of the caregiving role because she’s just more efficient at it: “If I have to give such explicit instructions, I might as well do it myself right?”
I laughed at first because that was exactly me, 20 years ago. But hearing this now made me realise: The desire of strong, intelligent and capable women to bring their best game to all parts of their lives is the very thing that makes things hard for them.
This is especially if we are unable to delegate – at work and at home. A study by Columbia Business School found that women find it more difficult to delegate, as they are more likely than men to see it as assertive behaviour and feel guilty when they do delegate.
“LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS” ISN’T A DIRTY PHRASE
As with good leadership practice, you cannot scale with micromanagement – only with culture. In this case, a culture that centres on embracing the push and pull of children and career.
The delightful former US first lady Michelle Obama puts this in the best way possible: “That whole ‘so you can have it all’, nope, not at the same time,” Mrs Obama said. “That’s a lie. And it’s not always enough to lean in, because that shit doesn’t work all the time.”
It is worth pointing out that men don’t seem to have these expectations – the infamous “mental load” women carry. Studies show that women carry the bulk of “invisible” planning and gatekeeping at home.
It feeds into this constant state of anxiety about giving 100 per cent on all fronts: We can’t drop the ball at work, not if we want to meet goals and outperform peers. We can’t drop the kid at home, not if we want them to be kind, courageous, good-mannered and go to an Ivy League school one day.
The CEO of SCWO has a sensible take: Lower your expectations.
If the kids eat ice cream for dinner occasionally, it won’t kill them. And at work, Ms Koh has learnt to focus on what needs to be done in the moment and not worry about ticking everything off her to-do list (which has been abandoned because it only made the stress worse).
HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO
For her, the pause button came in the form of a health issue and forced her to reflect on how the stress of trying to handle everything all at once was making her and the people around her miserable.
“It forced me to stop and think and reflect,” she said. “Do I really need to put myself through all this at this pace? Do I need to always be the one who is on top of everything that's happening at work and at home? Can I leave it to my team to work things out?’’
My active mothering days are over and I’m back on the work treadmill. But those lessons from my early days are enduring.
You sure can have your cake and eat it too. Except that it might be a more modest slice instead of a decadent triple chocolate fudge layer with sprinkles on top. But hey, it’s still cake and if it makes you happy, that’s what counts.
Crispina Robert oversees podcasts at CNA. She is also the co-host of Work It – a podcast on career and leadership.
