What you can do if you see a child with special needs who seems lost

SINGAPORE: "She's gone. I … panicked, I didn't know where she went."

Mr Edward Chan, a father of two daughters with autism, recalled vividly an incident when his elder daughter went missing.

He had been with his daughters at a playground in front of their housing block when his younger daughter started to cry and wanted to go home.

He asked his wife to meet him at the lobby to pick up their younger girl, and told the older girl to wait at the playground.

When he came back, she was nowhere to be found. "It's just not more than 20 steps (from his older daughter) … she's gone," said Mr Chan.

As he searched the surroundings, a neighbour told him he had seen the girl at a coffee shop across the road. He dashed to find her.

"At that time, her awareness was not as strong - she's still smiling (at) me, but daddy is already 'I'm going crazy'," he said.

Mr Chan, 50, is a co-administrator of Facebook group Reunite Missing Children. He works in social services.

The Facebook group was formed by a few parents to help share information when children with special needs go missing. It regularly posts advice for parents, as well as missing child notices.

Since its creation in 2017, it has grown to more than 8,000 members.

For Edward, it is his personal experiences that led him to help raise awareness among the public about what they can do when they meet children with special needs.

"As parents, we totally understand the anxiety of the parent when your child is just lost – out of your sight and you cannot find them," he said.

Reunite Missing Children was one platform that helped spread the word when an 11-year-old boy with autism went missing on Aug 29. The police’s missing person notice was shared thousands of times on social media.

He was found dead two days later.

"It's a very sad case," said Mr Chan. "It struck us, it struck the entire community.

"We felt there is a need to increase the awareness, to let people know that if you see something that is not right, step up, just to make sure that everything’s okay."

WHY CHILDREN MAY GO MISSING

Children on the autism spectrum have different levels of understanding about what is happening around them, so there is a need to cater to each child on a case-by-case basis, said Ms Linda Marican.

She is the head of social work at Rainbow Centre, a social service agency that works with persons with disabilities.

For children with autism, communication might be challenging, so they may not be able to tell their caregivers where they want to go or what they want to do, said Ms Marican.

"When they wander off on their own, it looks like they are running off, but actually, it's not.

"It's just that for them, they want to go and do something, but because it's not communicated … nobody knows where they are going."

On why children with special needs may go missing, Dr Lam Chee Meng said that they can get too focused on things that they like.

This may make them wander away from their parents when they see something that interests them, said the principal autism consultant at Autism Resource Centre (ARC).

They are also more sensitive to the sensory information around them, so things like noise and lights can overwhelm them and cut off their ability to focus and follow their parents, he added.

Ms Marican said some children may have "high interest" in certain things, such as trains and buses, and may wander off on their own.

There are some signs people can look out for when a child with special needs seems lost.

"They might pace up and down. They might vocalise, not in words - might be sound - but not all would do that," said Ms Marican, acknowledging that it can be "very hard" to identify such cases.

When people see a child with special needs who may seem lost, Mr Chan suggests using the "three S" strategy:

• Stop to check if the child needs help
• Seek help, call the police
• Stay with the child until help arrives

If you suspect a child with special needs is lost, you should approach them calmly and in a friendly voice because they may "misread your intention and feel more fearful", said Dr Lam.

Make your intentions clear that you're trying to help. In terms of communication, try to get to the child's eye level, and speak slowly and in simple language, he said, adding that it is also important to give the child some time to process what you are saying.

But if a child is very frightened, don't demand eye contact, because it may make them more fearful, he added.

You can also use photos or pictures to show them where you are bringing them, such as a security post or an information counter, said Dr Lam.

"If you think the child may not understand, if you have pen and paper, do a simple cartoon drawing that can support the communication."

For parents, the first thing they should do if their child goes missing is to call the police, said Ms Marican. They should include a recent photo of their child, a description of their behaviour and if they have any medical or special needs.

Parents can also call the hotlines of public transport operators for them to "blast" information to their staff to keep a lookout, she said.

In schools run by Rainbow Centre, children are taught to approach someone in uniform, such as a security guard, if they are lost. "We don't want them to just go to any random person," she said.

SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is one way for parents to reach out to the community to seek help in looking for their loved ones who go missing.

In the case of the missing 11-year-old boy, the neighbours had approached the Facebook group Reunite Missing Children.

The administrators obtained more information from his parents, and the posts were shared thousands of times.

When an appeal is made, the information is sent out across the community, including grassroots networks, to help with the search, said Mr Chan.

These can include grassroots volunteers and hawkers joining the search or keeping a lookout for the missing child.

In the years that the group has been in operation, the 11-year-old boy was the first case where the boy was not found.

"I hope after this tragedy, it'll create greater awareness in society … that will make a great difference when everyone is alert, especially for those children with high needs."

Mr Chan said that once the missing child is found, the group will scrub the information - photos, phone numbers, other personal details - to protect the families' privacy.

However, some parents might not be comfortable with using social media to "blast out" their appeal, Ms Marican noted.

There are some measures that parents can take to keep track of their children’s location, said Ms Marican.

One way would be to have their children wear a lanyard with their caregivers’ contact details. Parents can also give their children devices with location trackers.

ARC’s Dr Lam said that for children using wearable devices, parents should disable non-essential things or other applications, as these may distract the child.

For Mr Chan, whose daughters are now 17 and 14 years old, he has used different ways over the years to ensure their safety, including tracking devices and a leash.

His older daughter now has a mobile phone that allows him to track her location.

He said that when his daughters were younger, he used a leash when they were out, so he could keep them physically close. But he said the family has encountered judgmental looks and comments from others.

"For me, it's for the safety of my children … I'll just use it."

Mr Chan said he hopes the government can help produce affordable and accurate tracking devices. These can be used not only by children with special needs, but also by the elderly with dementia.

CREATING A COMMUNITY

"We all live in a community, and it's good just to look out for each other's kids or even vulnerable adults," said Dr Lam.

People with special needs may display behaviours that seem unusual when they are distressed, such as stomping their feet.

"The key thing … for us as a community, is, one, to withhold judgment," he said, noting that onlookers' first reaction may be to think the person is being naughty or that the parents are not controlling him or her.

"Just spend a bit of time … observing to see whether that person is actually in distress, then approach to help that person," said Dr Lam.

Mr Chan said: "As caregivers, we know that we cannot hold on to them for life.

"So that's why one of my jobs is to promote inclusivity in our society, create more awareness and acceptance so that more people are aware of the needs of our children."

He added that he is also concerned for those who have high needs and cannot be independent, so they will need a caregiver to take care of them for life.

"If (there is) more love and care in our society, I think that will make a great difference for them."

For his daughters, he has sought to create a supportive community around them by raising awareness and letting the neighbours know about their conditions.

The neighbour who alerted him to his missing daughter was one such example.

"My children have been staying within this community, and the earlier that I let more people know about their conditions, it will be more beneficial to them."

Initially, he would hesitate to bring his daughters to join community events, such as the Lantern Festival, but his neighbours encouraged him to go together.

"So, my girls also got to enjoy the neighbourhood activities like other people, even though they sometimes play slowly, they don't talk to other people, but it's fine. People understand their condition, so they can feel welcome and not rejected."