Can you be your 'authentic' self at work and still be taken seriously?

Over a decade ago, I entered my very first workplace feeling like I was stepping onto a minefield.

Before I got the job, my father had told me: "Be on your best behaviour and always watch your back." 

He would often recount cautionary tales of office politics from his own past, including experiences of being backstabbed by people he once trusted.

I'm naturally warm and caring. I love sharing stories about myself to connect with others, and I love hearing their stories.

So as a young adult taking her first steps into the world of work, my father's advice – which he repeated frequently – only made me feel more intimidated.

In the office, I was careful not to reveal too much about myself or my personal life, worried that any small detail might one day be used against me or put me at a disadvantage.

With each day, I felt more conflicted. How would I make genuine connections at work without being my authentic self?

We're in a different era now. The phrase "bringing your whole self to work" has become commonplace in discussions about workplace inclusion and culture.

A quick Google search on the topic turned up some contradictory results.

For instance, one result read: "How to encourage authenticity at work", but then a couple of items down was this: "Why authenticity at work can derail your career."

This isn't really about "faking it" or "lying". After all, most of us spend most of our waking hours at work. Who wants to spend over half their life pretending to be someone else?

But at the same time, we all know careers are built on perception.

It's not just your output that matters. It's your tone. Your presence. How steady and competent you seem to others. 

And this is especially the case when it comes to leadership roles and opportunities.

But how do you decide which parts of yourself to dial up and which to hold back while at work? And at what point does "being yourself" become a liability?

WHEN BEING YOURSELF GETS COMPLICATED

Six years ago, I received my first significant promotion. I became an assistant manager – and later manager – and found myself leading a team of six in the digital media industry. I was just in my late 20s.

Up until then, my "authentic self" had felt like a virtue. I was easygoing. Approachable. Not "scary", like some of the other bosses.

I never really got used to being strict or giving negative feedback. Even as months went by in this role, I still felt a twinge of guilt whenever I had to evaluate a subordinate's performance, call out repeated mistakes or draw boundaries.

I couldn't stay "me" – I had to be "girl boss" me.

Nevertheless, I kept finding ways to lean into my authenticity at work because that's just who I am. I'm not the confrontational sort. I wanted everything to be as harmonious as possible and, more importantly, to be liked by my colleagues, whether they were subordinates, superiors or peers.

In my first performance review, I was told I came across as "soft" and "ineffective". 

Truth be told, that crushed my spirit at the time.

I asked my then-boss for advice, and he woke me up with this: "You're not here to make popular decisions. You're here to make the right decisions, even if they're tough."

His advice was a hard pill to swallow, but he was right. I realised I had been so focused on keeping the peace that I had been unwilling to face the discomfort that leadership sometimes requires.

His guidance made me realise something else: My wanting to be liked was just a superficial goal.

What I truly wanted was respect. Respect feels more fulfilling because it reflects your calibre, not just your popularity.

That's when I saw the light: Authenticity isn't about avoiding discomfort or always being agreeable. It's about showing up as your real self in a way that serves your team and aligns with the demands of your role.

Instead of simply maintaining harmony, I shifted my focus to upholding my team's well-being instead. This allowed my naturally non-confrontational self to draw the line and put my foot down when I had to – for the overarching goal of upholding our standards. 

It wasn't easy, and it didn't always feel "me". In one instance, I gave a subordinate some feedback and received only one word in response: "Noted." 

Having previously shared good rapport with this person, their cold response shook my confidence for a bit.

But holding people accountable was necessary for me in that role. I couldn't lead effectively if I were warm and caring 100 per cent of the time.

LEARN TO READ THE ROOM 

I sometimes hear similar concerns from friends wanting to be their authentic selves at work, even when leadership responsibilities are not involved.

Late last year, a friend was leaving his job at a small home-grown company to start a new role at a large, established firm. 

He asked me whether he should take his comfort plush toy to his new workplace, as he had done at his previous company. I immediately told him not to do it. 

The last thing he wanted to do, I advised, was to exhibit "unusual" behaviour that could undermine his reputation or credibility on his very first day on the job.

But within the first week, he did it anyway – because it made him feel like himself at work. Some weeks later, he told me it seemed perfectly fine. No one had ever seemed bothered or expressed discomfort at his toy.  

I was relieved. It's good to know he had found some room to express his own personality in his new workplace, rather than feeling pressured to simply glue himself to a bare desk like a robot.

Admittedly, I was a bit cautious when I joined my current workplace. I spent some time observing the workplace culture before deciding how to be more open with colleagues and even my editors.

I don't have a plush toy at my desk now as my friend does at his, but I indulge my own interests in small ways. I often bring my tricked-out mechanical keyboard to work, and when it's cold, I wrap myself in a soft blanket with bunny designs.

A year or so into the job, I remember my editor telling me that if I ever needed to brainstorm solutions or bounce ideas off someone, I could always seek a colleague's opinion.

"I think the good thing about our (team) culture is that nobody has a huge ego," she said. "We can have these discussions without it turning dramatic or political."

What she said was a sure signal to me that this was a workplace where I had space to be myself – I didn't have to "pretend" for the sake of "professionalism".

AUTHENTICITY MEETS PROFESSIONALISM 

Every workplace has its own culture. 

Some places encourage you to work loudly and proudly. Others value quiet competence. Some teams may bond over memes and bubble tea runs, while others prefer concise emails and calendar invites.

Without spending time observing to figure out the culture you're dealing with before unfiltering your expressions and behaving as you would with close friends, you run the risk of making a fool of yourself and jeopardising your career.

There is also the risk of unnecessarily exhausting yourself. Work is already stressful as it is, but having to mask parts of yourself all the time may earn you an instant, one-way ticket to burnout.  

Ms Samantha Tan, human resource business partner at Jobstreet by Seek, told me that spending too much effort on code-switching between your "real" self and your "work self" can end up draining you. This could also eventually affect your overall level of engagement and team cohesion.

In contrast, she said, sharing appropriate aspects of your personality in more casual settings, such as during lunch breaks or team bonding activities, can strengthen trust and collegiality.

I used to think that authenticity and professionalism were at odds with each other. Now, I see that authenticity is what professionalism looks like when you're self-aware.

So, given everything I've said, should we bring our authentic selves to work?

Perhaps a better question is what being our "authentic" self means to each of us. 

Does it mean saying or doing whatever we want, however we want to say or do it? Or does it mean exercising some self-awareness and self-reflection to better understand who we are, what our roles require of us, and how we can still behave in ways that align more closely with our values?

Ultimately, it all boils down to questioning whether the environment brings out the best in you, said Ms Serla Rusli, a career expert at professional networking platform LinkedIn. 

And if you find yourself constantly working against the grain, she said, it may be worth asking whether the environment is the right fit for you in the long run.

Although we may be able to "pretend" for a while, no one can sustain performing as a stranger to themselves forever. The key is in making sure the performance is rooted in something real.

Amanda Yeap is a senior journalist at CNA TODAY.