Commentary: Parking mum guilt at the door

SINGAPORE: A recent conversation with my almost 14-year-old son offered an unexpected clarity on the topic of “mum guilt”. As we discussed the relentless pressures mothers face, he likened it to his experience in athletics.

"My coach cautions us about the risks of overtraining and overcompeting," he said. "He tells us that knowing when to rest, pause and recuperate is just as crucial, if not more so, than the training itself."

This sage advice from the world of sports holds profound wisdom for parents. Just as athletes must honour their need for rest - in whatever form - to perform their best, so, too, must parents recognise the importance of self-care and respite.

In an era of highly involved parenting, taking me-time to rest and rejuvenate isn't self-indulgence. It's needed so that we can fulfil the demands of parenthood without losing ourselves to exhaustion and the grip of guilt.

IT’S OK TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE KIDS

Research has shown that excessive parenting stress can lead to poor parent-child relationships and aggressive disciplinary practices, and contribute to emotional and behavioural problems as children develop.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, parenting became even more challenging given the high economic uncertainty and reduced access to social support. This had mental health consequences for many parents, such as loneliness or depression, according to a study co-authored by National University of Singapore (NUS) researchers and published in the Journal of Family Violence.

I have three children and run a local fintech company. Between work, school activities and managing the household, there is very little time left for self-care.

But parents need, and should have, time away from their children. It shouldn’t be an indictment on their parenting.

One common misconception is that parents who seek time away from their children are somehow neglectful or indifferent. In reality, a parent who prioritises their own needs is better equipped to meet the needs of their children.

This weekend I am giving in to the siren call of watching Ed Sheeran in Kuala Lumpur. Truth is, when my friend and I booked the tickets, I clean forgot about the impending weighted assessments of my PSLE-year middle-born and that my eldest, in Secondary 2, would also be in mid-assessments.

“Wow, you are brave, I guess,” a friend opined. I wonder if the slight judgmental tone I thought I detected might have come from my own maxed out mum guilt projected outward .

This sentiment is echoed by Lim Hui Nan, co-owner of Empire Eats, a restaurant group with more than 10 outlets across Singapore. The mother of two went on a three-week study trip to Japan to pursue her love for tea. While some might question her decision to take an extended trip given that it was during her children’s school term, she stands by the belief that it is important for children to know that there is more to their mother than her caregiving role.

“It is important for me to also model for both my son and daughter that I also have things that interest me outside of work and mothering. I want them to see that I am working on growing as a person too,” Ms Lim told me over a tea session a while back.

Ms Delphine Tan, an educator and mother of three, unabashedly takes solo time to reset and rest. 

“I travel alone or with the husband and without the kids because I am not just a mum or a wife,” she told me. “Some of my friends say that they will travel without the kids when their children are grown and don’t need them as much. But they forget that as the kids grow older, we will be older too, and the things they want to do will be limited as well.”

MUM GUILT

The Cleveland Clinic, a non-profit academic medical centre, defines “mum guilt” as the name given to the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they do not live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent - an internal dialogue that tells you that you are failing as a caregiver.

It is unsurprising, especially in this age of social media where “it mums” seem to juggle work, motherhood and marriage with such glamour and aplomb. Sure, we all know that the Insta-life comes with a whole bunch of literal and figurative filters, but it is hard to not be one part wistful, one part envious, and two parts feeling like we could and should do better.

Indeed, 80 per cent of mothers in Singapore who have children of all ages grapple with “mum guilt”, according to a 2019 survey by Focus on the Family Singapore.

Suffice to say, that is a lot of mothers having a lot of guilt. A lot of the time.

Debbie Mandel, author of Addicted to Stress, notes that the root of mum guilt lies in generational teachings - our belief that we must ensure everyone's happiness, often at the expense of our individuality. This sense of duty often leads to guilt-driven overworking on the mum front, where we feel responsible for everyone and everything.

The myth of do-it-all motherhood persists, romanticised in movies and exaggerated on social media, to our collective detriment.

Working mums, especially, often feel that they are not enough at work, and not enough at home. Consider how you’d advise a friend - you’d never think that she is not doing enough.

This reflection on self-compassion introduces a needful and pivotal shift from the guilt narrative to one of understanding and kindness towards oneself.

As Dr Fock Ee-Ling, trained scientist, owner of homegrown fashion brand The Missing Piece and mother of three, told me: “Motherhood is a journey of love, not perfection … Sometimes the best gift I can give my kids is a happy, fulfilled me.”

Cherie Tseng is Chief Operations Officer at a local fintech company, a mother of three and editor with The Birthday Collective.