9 things that run through a quad-biking virgin’s head

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9 things that run through a quad-biking virgin’s head

9 things that run through a quad-biking virgin’s head

Phin Wong

9 things that run through a
quad-biking virgin’s head

Speedy all-terrain-vehicle adventure awaits on Kangaroo Island, South Australia — even for noobs who’ve never been on a bike Words: Phin Wong The website of Kangaroo Island Outdoor Action says the Edge Of The Earth Quad Adventure will take me beyond my wildest dreams to become “one of an elite few that get to experience the views of the Southern Ocean from the cliff tops at the edge of the earth”. How awesome! Of course, I’m not booked on the Edge of The Earth Quad Adventure. Something about me having never been on a quad bike before. And never driving a car before. And never riding a motorcycle. And falling off a bicycle the last time I was on one in Phuket (who knew a bicycle stops working on sand?). I’m on the beginner’s tour. More precisely, I’m on the practice track of the beginner’s tour, which is basically a dirt circle outlined by a bunch of

Before we start, protection is handed out to everyone: Goggles, gloves, a full face helmet … and a hairnet that goes under that helmet to up anyone’s style quotient. It looks like my head is incontinent, but I do as I am told. 2. God, I hope I don’t kill anything…

Source: Fandango.com Practice round over. The ATVs are raring and my squint is in full action hero mode. The instructor says we’re ready to go. I pause for a moment and wonder why I’ve been allowed to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Any vehicle. Sure, there are fewer pedestrians on Kangaroo Island than there are in outer space during peak hour, but I imagine there are mother wallabies texting their children to get off the streets and come home right this instance before that man from Singapore gets them. 3. God, I hope I don’t kill myself…

Source: Giphy.com Concern for others quickly turns to concern for my own physical wellbeing. Bad things happen in movies to people who ride motorcycles when they shouldn’t. Then again, I’m on four wheels, not two. And movies are totally make-believe. Everyone knows nothing that has happened in a movie has ever happened in real. Except for ET. That totally happened. And away we go! 4. Hey, this is easy!

Source: Jurassic.com/tumblr.com Except it’s daytime. And with kangaroos hiding behind shrubs instead of a raptor squad doing my bidding. And I think I’m moving at 15 km/h. And, physically, I look more like Parks & Recreation Chris Pratt than cover-of-Men’s-Health Chris Pratt. But, still, it’s pretty darn close! 6. Look at all the trees! *Thwack* Oww!

Source: Buzzfeed.com Note to self: Duck when approaching foliage that hangs at face-level. The instructor guides us through open grassland, winding tracks through native bush (“Ooh, look how pretty those trees are!” *Thwack* “When will you learn, Wong?!”), and more sand and gravel tracks. It’s a fascinating scene. Parts of the native bush resemble what I would assume a nature trail on Mars would look like, with giant succulents called Yuccas dotting the white sand landscape like alien ferns. *Thwack* 7. Dirt doesn’t taste so bad! Being at the end of our little ATV conga line means I’m treated to clouds of dirt whipped up by all the vehicles ahead of me. I’m getting more sand chucked in my face than a Dungeons & Dragons RPG geek at Muscle Beach. The goggles and face helmet provide plenty of protection, but sand is sticking to my lips in an unusually large

We’re only going as fast as the instructor leading the single file of ATVs will allow. I appreciate his concern and respect for safety standards, but I want to go recklessly fast. I feel the need. The need for speed! (I’ve always wanted to say that out loud.) So I devise a devious little plan. Being at the back of the cavalry, I intentionally slow down and hang back … just so I can rev the engine and go really fast. For about 5 seconds before I’m back staring at the bumper of the ATV in front of me. I consider hanging waaay back but decide that getting lost in the bush is not a good idea. I’ve seen A Cry In the Dark. 9. This totally needs a cool soundtrack! I swipe through my Awesome Songs To Drive Really Really Fast To mental playlist, skipping Steppenwolf’s Born To Be Wild (too obvious), The Prodigy’s Firestarter (too early), and Smashing Pumpkins’ Bullet With

Source: TODAY

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