Commentary: Your neighbour probably isn’t being noisy on purpose

SINGAPORE: An uncle in my neighbourhood recently approached me, concerned that I’d been disturbed by the noise from his grandchildren. Their unit is two floors directly above mine and he was afraid their play would reverberate through the ceilings. 

I know that sounds far-fetched. But it isn’t when you consider that on Sep 24, a young mother was stabbed to death over a suspected noise dispute involving her children. Her neighbour who lived downstairs was subsequently charged with murder.

When the news broke, many in Singapore, especially parents, were shocked. Children are noisy by nature. And while we try to keep our children in check, dropping toys and running in the house are unavoidable.

In recent years, neighbourly relations have become more tense in Singapore due to noise disputes. According to a parliamentary speech in Nov 2024, public agencies received an average of over 80 complaints about neighbour noise every day in the past three years, a sixfold increase from 2019.

Most of it is just noise from everyday activities – heavy footsteps, loud voices, children playing and dogs barking. 

In many cases, this has resulted in tit-for-tat behaviour, and escalating tension along corridors and in lifts. At my HDB block, a neighbour living one floor below me even takes the lift to my level and makes a detour to avoid passing by her immediate neighbours on the way home.

How did everyday noise erode neighbourly relations to this extent?

NOT A MALICIOUS AUDITORY ATTACK

Growing up in the 80s and 90s, noise was generally accepted as part and parcel of community life. Children would play catch and hopscotch in the playground, or kick a ball around the void deck. Seniors would sit together and talk loudly. Nobody really minded it very much. 

Whenever we heard drilling from someone’s house, we understood that it would be quick maintenance or installation work. When other people’s family squabbles drifted into our living rooms, we might gossip about it, but no one thought to call the police.

However, as Singapore grows denser, urban life gets noisier. Living spaces feel like they’re shrinking with each new flat or condo. Walk a few steps in any direction and you can touch your neighbour’s wall; stand on a high stool and you might touch your neighbour’s floor.

It is no wonder that children’s footsteps in the unit above us begin to resemble pounding on our ceiling; music thumps through the wall; and early morning piano practice sounds less like discipline and more like bad manners. 

However, barring a few extreme cases, most of this noise is not malicious. These are normal things that normal people do at home. 

Other times, the producers of the noise cannot help themselves, such as when special needs children scream or cry loudly. They cannot control this behaviour and neither can their caregivers. So when neighbours bang on their walls in retaliation or make police reports, it turns an already difficult situation into a pressure cooker.

Remembering that there is no ill intention behind the noise can help foster a bit more tolerance, especially for more vulnerable segments of society.

NOISE IS VERY PERSONAL

The problem is, we rarely approach such disputes so objectively. 

My friend used to have a senior dog with cataracts. As its eyesight deteriorated, it would bark loudly whenever neighbours walked past, and howl whenever it was left alone at home. 

When a neighbour complained about my friend’s “annoying dog”, she reacted defensively. “Your kids are just as noisy,” she retorted. The two neighbours have never been friendly since, and give each other the side eye when sharing a lift. 

It didn’t have to come to this. My friend confessed that she reacted this way only because she was hurt for her beloved dog. 

Indeed, one reason noise complaints often get acrimonious is that the source of noise in our home is usually very personal to us – our children, pets, elderly parents or our favourite pastimes. When someone complains about them, it can feel like an attack on things we hold dear. 

What we consider “noisy” is rather subjective. A dog lover may be quite accepting of loud barking, but annoyed at noisy kids. The converse may be true of parents, who may excuse a child’s explosive meltdown, but recoil at a constantly barking dog. When we remember that “music” to us may also be “noise” to another, this can help us become more tolerant.

Moreover, we all have different noise sensitivity and lifestyles – some of us sleep and wake up early, some sleep at 3am and wake up at noon. Asking someone to wear earplugs or move out is not the solution.

However, while our home is our own, we share an auditory space. No one is more entitled to enjoy the space than another. 

It helps to approach noise-related disputes with empathy and tact, rather than from a position of entitlement, aggression or passive-aggression. Sometimes, just having the right attitude – leaving a kind note or apologising sincerely can do a lot to douse the flames. 

When I moved into my flat three years ago, my children were only four and one years old. My son was still crying at night, and my daughter played noisily with little self-awareness. 

Knowing they might disturb my immediate neighbour, I apologised to her in advance and sought her forbearance while teaching my children civic-mindedness. I believe that because of that, we never had any conflict over the years, even when my children occasionally disturbed her. 

BUILDING A CLOSE-KNIT AND TOLERANT COMMUNITY

Perhaps rising noise complaints are a sign that our community has grown more divided and individualistic, even as we live closer together than ever before. 

In my estate, the loudest source of noise is the construction of an upcoming MRT station that will be completed in a few years. So far, I have not heard of serious complaints. In fact, real estate prices seem to be rising in anticipation of the future convenience.

If we can tolerate the drilling and clanging of construction, why do we snap at children playing in the void deck or the neighbouring unit?

Indeed, if we plug out of our phones and plug into our surroundings occasionally – talk to our neighbours, greet the uncles downstairs, pat our neighbour’s dog, and chat with the children – we may find these everyday sounds less of a nuisance and simply part of the neighbourhood charm.

Annie Tan is a freelance writer based in Singapore.