I don't usually have close friends at work. Does it matter?
Is friendship in the workplace a necessity? Not quite, says Singapore Institute of Technology's May Lim, but it's certainly a bonus.
It takes two hands to clap to build and sustain a friendship with your co-worker, but it is not necessary that every colleague becomes a friend, because liking everyone at work is unrealistic. (Illustration:CNA/Nurjannah Suhaimi)
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Admittedly, I live under a rock. I am often one of the last to know about the latest office gossip, office political tension or about people resigning.
Whenever I ask how others in the office get their news about the latest happenings so quickly, my colleagues claim that their information sources are their work friends.
That made me wonder: I do not have a constant group of colleagues with whom I have lunch, but I do have people who care about me and whom I trust at work.
Are they just my colleagues, or are they also friends?
Our friends are people we choose, those we make a conscious effort to spend time with – people who make us feel safe and relaxed.
But what about colleagues, the people we didn't exactly choose?
With more conversations today about work-life balance and emotional boundaries, many of us are drawing clearer lines between our professional and personal lives.
Yet, with the amount of time spent at work – employed residents in Singapore worked an average of about 41.4 hours a week in 2025, based on data from the Ministry of Manpower – the boundaries between colleagues and friends can blur sometimes.
It might be only natural that we become friends with the people with whom we spend most of our weekdays.
So, are colleagues just colleagues? Can they – or should they – be our friends as well?
WHY DO WE FEEL CLOSE TO OUR COLLEAGUES?
Part of the confusion lies in what we mean by "friends".
The Oxford Learner's Dictionary defines a friend as a person you know well and like, and who will help and support you. The Cambridge Dictionary describes a friend as a person who you know well, who you like a lot and who you can trust.
The thing is that colleagues are also people we want to like and trust.
When we like our colleagues, work feels lighter. Long hours and tight deadlines are more bearable when there are comrades alongside you – people who laugh with you, commiserate with you and journey with you through difficult phases.
And when you go through a tough project, facing the same struggle with a colleague can build bonds sometimes.
Working without trust is also far harder, and near impossible at times.
After all, trust means knowing that your colleagues are doing their best towards shared outcomes. It is believing that even when you differ in personality, strengths or working styles, there is mutual respect and reliability.
Trust allows collaboration without fear. It makes disagreements safer. It enables professionalism to hold the team together, even in the absence of personal closeness.
THE CHALLENGE OF HAVING FRIENDS AT WORK
Finding people at work whom you genuinely like, trust and enjoy spending time with is not always easy.
I've found that it depends on the nature of your work, your position, the organisation's culture, and whether your role is largely individual or deeply team-based.
Liking everyone at work is unrealistic. Differences in personality, values, life stage and even department size can make deeper personal connections rare.
Definitions also blur when in the workplace.
Are friends the colleagues we lunch with? Those we are connected to on LinkedIn or Facebook? The ones who know our project milestones or our personal struggles?
And to what extent are they your friend?
There are certain things you might hesitate to share with colleagues, but would freely discuss with a friend outside of work.
When I reached my 10th work anniversary in 2022, I genuinely wondered if this was where I wanted to stay for the long haul.
Was my sense of purpose truly aligned with the organisation's mission? On top of that, my workplace was relocating to a spot three times farther from my home.
While I wanted to share my concerns with my colleagues, I feared they would think that I was abandoning the ship if I started voicing these doubts, causing disappointment and worry among them.
There is an added layer of complexity when giving feedback to a colleague-turned friend. After all, giving feedback can be sensitive – and who wants to hurt the feelings of a friend?
Recently, I had to address a colleague about the quality of work. The discussion was extra challenging because the person is a friend who I care deeply about and know the family stressors involved.
Navigating the conversation as a colleague first, friend second, was tricky.
Maintaining professional objectivity was essential to uphold workplace standards. As a friend, it would take a separate conversation or prayer to address the stresses coming from the person's family.
Fortunately, I managed to take that conversation forward objectively, with trust from the colleague that the feedback was sincere, while knowing that I still care for the colleague as a friend.
COLLEAGUES OR FRIENDS?
You can function without workplace friends in the traditional sense. You can maintain clear boundaries, do your job well and find fulfilment elsewhere.
But trust – and sometimes care – are not optional.
Throughout my younger years, I took on a variety of temporary jobs to earn extra income. I worked everywhere – from selling electronic products, to manning the cashier at a fast-food chain, to handling paperwork as an administrative assistant in a coffee production plant.
Yet, the most challenging experience came from my time at a sandwich chain – not because of the job itself, but because I never found anyone there whom I could trust.
At that workplace, no one would tell you when the stock was low or help out if you were sick. Not being able to trust anyone meant that I had to be hypervigilant 100 per cent of the time, making every moment at work feel exhausting.
For me, trust is the cornerstone that makes any workplace bearable – not whether you have friends or not.
Sometimes, we get lucky and discover meaningful connections at work that naturally evolve into genuine friendships.
In my experience, workplace friendships cannot be forced, but they can be invited through small gestures.
It often starts with noticing how a colleague is coping, how they show up on difficult days, or when their energy seems different. Then finding common interests that can be as simple as bubble tea, or a common disdain for morning meetings.
At the same time, workplace friendship takes two willing hands to clap.
Emotional maturity means recognising that not every colleague wants – or needs – a friendship beyond work.
Some co-workers may value you deeply as a colleague and prefer to keep their personal lives separate.
That is not rejection. Respecting another's boundaries is itself a form of professionalism and care.
I’ve been fortunate to have made such friends through my career: people who offered honest feedback because they genuinely wanted to see me grow, even if it meant having uncomfortable conversations. They care about both my professional development and family.
These are friendships that have lasted long after we stopped working together.
Other times, people in the workplace are simply colleagues – trusted, reliable and professional.
Perhaps colleagues do not need to become friends.
It is enough that we trust them to do their work, to respect our differences and to stand alongside us when it matters.
But if, along the way, some of those relationships grow into friendship, it is a quiet blessing to be grateful for – not something to expect.
Associate Professor May Lim is the assistant provost for applied learning at the Singapore Institute of Technology, who previously researched social skills while pursuing a PhD in occupational therapy.
